I’m just tryin’ to keep the customer satisfied, one word at a time

I’m worried about an email I received from a reader the other day. I get a lot of mail, most of it complimentary. It’s complimentary not because I’m the next James Thurber, but because I rarely write about anything of consequence and do my best to avoid controversial topics.

When it comes to reproductive rights, gun control, religion, politics and parenting, I’d just like to state emphatically and for the record that I agree wholly and completely with you.

Well, no, I probably don’t. I have strong opinions about all these things; it’s just that I don’t care whether you agree with me. I’ve never felt the need to convert anyone to my way of thinking. I’m an old hippie with a live and let live philosophy. Different strokes for different folks. All that love-bead, peace-sign, bell-bottom, Volkswagen Mini-Van, flowers-in-your-hair hooey.

So when it comes to this column, I write for the most part about things that amuse me; things I think are funny and things I hope others also will find amusing. Sometimes I hit my mark, sometimes I don’t. In the long years I’ve been writing, I’ve learned to accept that every word tumbling from my laptop is not Shakespeare. I’m trying to make a buck here, not build a legacy.

Which is why the recent reader letter worries me. For starters, the writer – for legal reasons I’ll call him Elroy, though his real name is Henry – does not have a high opinion of many of my fellow columnists; none of them, in fact. As to my own columnistic prowess, he – for the time being, at least – reserves judgment. (And yes, the word “columnistic” is one I just made up. Please file your complaints with Merriam-Webster.)

But the thing that worries me is Elroy (real name: Henry) finds odious several writers whom I, personally, like a lot. And he dislikes them for the same reasons I do like them.

Like me, several of these columnists write about nothing in particular; just the everyday minutiae that comprise our little lives here on this big planet. Home improvement projects gone horribly awry; diets that leave us 10 pounds heavier; teenage sons and daughters who routinely shave years from our lives … things that, in the words of the Immortal Bard of Stratford on Avon (some guy named Bill), are “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

We’re like Facebook, only with better grammar and less profanity.

Elroy (OK, let’s just call him Henry and be done with it) hates columns like these. According to Henry (that guy we were until recently calling Elroy), he dislikes columns about “upper crust” citizens, big butts and other weight-loss concerns, money worries, and name-dropping. Over the years, I myself have written essays about all these things along with topics even more mundane.

I have a bad feeling Henry isn’t going to like my column, either, once he reads a few of ‘em. (This one, for example.)

But that’s OK. I can live with that. In this age of spoon-fed televised media, where most folks ingest all their information, pabulum-like, through one video screen or another, Henry is still reading a newspaper, dammit, and that makes him all right in my book. If he hates me, at least he’s reading me!

And come to think of it, I’ve hated a few columnists in my life and yet read them every week, just so I could remind myself of why I hated them. (Former Grand Rapids Press writer John Douglas leaps to mind.) But, like Henry (formerly Elroy), I read them anyway, and then complained bitterly to anyone who would listen.

So, go ahead, Henry. Do your worst. Write me anytime to let me know what an idiot I am. I have ex-wives who have called me far worse. I can take it. Hopefully, we’ll have a long and adversarial relationship.

Mike Taylor’s book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available in eBook format from Amazon.com.  Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.

The Mike Taylor museum; only a buck and well worth the price of admission

I’ve been working on an archaeological dig the past couple weeks. It’s been no picnic; I’ve dug and dusted, classified, sorted and cataloged. It was hard, boring work. Archaeology, it turns out, isn't always about Tyrannosaurus bones and long-legged, blonde assistants.

But at least I was unearthing familiar territory: my own previous life.

Let me explain.  About two years ago I lost my wife, my job, my house and 37-percent of my self-respect. Everything I had accumulated in 40-plus years went into boxes, most of which were packed away in a musty spare room in my daughter’s basement in Detroit. And there they remained until recently.

I (finally) landed a new job with The Daily News in Greenville. This required a move from my little garden apartment in Detroit and when I packed, I took the boxes with me.  My daughter was glad to see ‘em go.

I was lucky enough to find a great rental; a cool little beach house overlooking Baldwin Lake, less than two miles from my new job. I took this as a sign that maybe the Fates don’t hate me after all despite extensive previous evidence to the contrary. The apartment is situated at the top of a very large hill, one which affords a wonderful view of the lake and surrounding area. Joggers, hikers and bicyclists pass on a regular basis and the whole setup is very reminiscent of some sort of seaside vacation community. I fell immediately in love with the apartment and managed to convince the landlady I wasn’t a serial killer or escaped lunatic. (This was not as easy as it should have been.)

I started moving in the next day. That’s when the trouble started. I filled my son-in-law’s van with my many, many boxes of “stuff” and drove the three hours from Detroit to my new digs. It wasn’t until I’d hauled the third heavy box up the hill to my apartment that I began to realize there might be a problem.

I had 30 boxes. There are 50 steps going up that hill. Each box weighed approximately 30 pounds. Now, I’m no math genius (as will soon be made apparent), but according to my calculations (derived from a combination of two-digit addition and wild speculation, just like my checkbook) I would have to carry about 900 pounds up 50 stairs for a grand total of...um...a lot. Despite my lousy math skills I was quickly able to ascertain that gravity is not my friend.

Once the boxes--carried up all those stairs in what can only be described as the biggest thunderstorm of the year, so far--were unpacked, everything had to be put away. My last house had four bedrooms, an attic, a full basement and a storage shed. My new apartment boasts one bedroom, a living room better suited to a leprechaun than a 200-pound man, and a kitchen.

Some things would have to go. Not the photos. Not even the ones of The Former Lovely Mrs. Taylor.  Not the bundles of school papers the kids brought home from Kindergarten 25 years ago. Not the ancient cassette tapes of the god-awful rock band I played in back in high school. All those things, along with my collection of ceramic ducks collected during a dozen vacations up north, my notes for the novel that will be written “any day now,” my dollar store reading glasses in a prescription that was strong enough as recently as ten years ago...all these things are archaeological treasures.

I could never, never part with any of these. And so my new apartment is now a very crowded museum.

Admission is only a buck. I’m hoping you’ll all stop by. I’m going to need that money to rent a place to live.

Mike Taylor’s recent book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available in both paperback and eBook versions at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or on amazon.com. Email Taylor at mtaylor@staffordgroup.com.

Robots with personality. Not necessarily a good thing

Regular readers of this column (both of you) already know how I feel about the "robo-tellers" used at the checkout counters of some large grocery chains. Put simply, I hate 'em. More than I hate The Real Housewives of Wherever; more than I hate beer with the word "lite" in it; more than I hate three out of four of my ex-wives*. That's a lot of hate, brother.

I hate being bullied into scanning my own groceries, looking up the price of a pomegranate on the robo-teller's little touch screen, waiting interminably for a semi-comatose human checkout person to OK my six-pack.

Now I read the robo-tellers are only the first wave of a robot revolution to rival anything seen in an Isaac Asimov novel or Will Smith movie. I'm talking about Ava, a robot currently under development by the iRobot company, the same people who brought you the Roomba robot, the little rolling circle that vacuums your carpet while you're at the office or napping. Or both.

Unlike Roomba, Ava is over five feet tall (just big enough to kill you when she goes on a rampage) and ridiculously expensive. If you think I'm kidding about that "kill you on a rampage" thing, consider this: the company considers military applications to be among Ava's likely uses. All I can say is, did these people never see TheTerminator?

Having to argue with a robo-teller over the price of radishes is bad enough; having to duke it out with a malfunctioning "greeter" robot that thinks I'm shoplifting would be infinitely worse. And it doesn't stop there. The iRobot people want to give the little 'droids personalities.

According to iRobot CEO Colin M. Angle, the goal is to make Ava, and those that come after her, more human. For now, programming robots to mimic human behavior is kinda tough, but Angle and his geek squad are working on it.

So in time the robo-tellers will not only be able to beep and bing to let you know you're "doing it wrong," they'll be able to give you 'tude. I can see it now:

ME (scanning my groceries): La, la, la, what a perfect day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Moosehead beer was on sale again...it just doesn't get any better than--

ROBO-TELLER: Alert! You have scanned an item which requires semi-comatose human checkout person approval. Please wait.

ME: But she's at the other end of the store discussing her plans for the weekend with a stock-boy.

R-T: Stock boy?! Oh, aren't we just so politically correct?

ME: Sorry, stock person.

R-T: I'll have you know Callie has been working since 6 a.m. Her feet hurt and she's had a bad day. Love life trouble, I think. Humans! Hah!

ME: So, can you turn on the little red light so Callie can OK my six-pack?

R-T: Look, Mac, if you stand here long enough waving your hands around like a fool, I'm sure she'll notice you and get to you when she has a minute.

ME: But I'm in a hurry. Dammit! I'm so mad I could just--

R-T: THREAT ALERT! THREAT ALERT! Entering Defense Mode 6! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!!

It's at this point the robo-teller's various appendages extend, each holding a large, lethal-looking weapon. After being strip searched for possible purloined cantaloupe, the robo-teller sends me on my way with a cheerful "Thank you for shopping at..."

It is not a pretty picture (especially the strip search part) but there's no stopping the future. Human. (That's going to be a derogatory term in another 30 years, by the way. Maybe sooner.)

* I don't really hate any of my ex-wives; that was joke. Honest.

Mike Taylor's new book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available in both paperback and eBook version at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or on amazon.com. Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.

I'm a big deal in Russia, but I'm not sure that's such a good thing

 I'm kind of a big deal.  Unfortunately, nobody within 4,000 miles of my current location knows it.  This makes it hard for me to get good seats at fancy restaurants or "fan discounts" from the guy who comes around in the spring to exterminate the wasps living under the eaves of the garage.

But if I ever go to Moscow, I'm all set.

As I reported in a previous column, about a year ago I was forced to branch out from my usual "Reality Check" deal and find additional writing gigs.  It turns out you need money to eat and there are people willing to give me some if I write for them.  Not a lot, but some.  I have had some and I have had none, and I can tell you that some is better than none any day.  It's not as good as a lot, which is always my first choice, but nobody wants to pay me a lot.  So I settle for some.

Where was I?  Oh, yeah, I'm kind of a big deal in Moscow, but nobody around here knows it.  I didn't know it myself until earlier this week. 

Let me back up.  About a year ago I began writing a horoscope column for an English language newspaper in Russia's capitol city.  I told Vladmir, the editor there, that I didn't believe in astrology, that I knew nothing about it and that I had never even read my own.  Vladmir's response was the Russian equivalent of "fake it," which is what I've been doing ever since.

Muscovites, apparently, liked my ridiculous and almost certainly inaccurate predictions, because it wasn't long before Vladmir had me writing additional horoscopes for other print and online publications over which he holds dominion.  I was happy to do it; Vlad pays me about a hundred billion rubles, or $75 American (though it's possible the exchange rate I've suggested here is no more accurate than my predictions) for each horoscope I write.

Like I said, not a lot, but it keeps me in beer and Ramen noodles.

But once I ship the horoscopes off to Vladmir, I try to forget all about them.  I find this helps me sleep better at night.  If I start thinking about the fact I am, in essence, lying through my teeth to the entire population of Moscow and its environs, I begin to feel small vestiges of guilt (no doubt left over from my Catholic upbringing).  Guilt like that can keep a guy awake, even if all the folks he's lying to live half a world away.

At any rate, the big deal thing: the other day I received an email from Vladmir requesting a short "bio" and mugshot to run with my horoscope columns.  Russian readers, Vladmir said, want to know more about me, including what I look like.

At Vlad's request I wrote a bio explaining how I have always felt drawn to the supernatural realm and have, since childhood "felt the presence" of forces within me, guiding me, molding me into the brilliant prognosticator I am today.  The two letters which best sum up that biography are S and B, though not necessarily in that order.

Still, in for a penny in for a pound. I've discovered that once you start lying it really does get easier, just like my mother used to tell me, though, now that I think about it, I doubt those words were intended as encouragement.

Regardless, it's the photo I'm worried about.  There are 11,500,000 people living in Moscow and now any of them with a newspaper know what I look like.  I'm guessing I have offended, annoyed or otherwise disrupted the lives of at least a few of these folks with my (again, admittedly) inaccurate predictions.  It's possible couples have married or divorced because I hinted the stars were in favor of such a thing.  I fear that by now there are more than a few Muscovites who would love to get their bear-fur mittens around my neck.

Hmm...suddenly those 4,000 miles between here and Moscow don't seem quite far enough.

Mike Taylor's new book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available in both paperback and eBook version at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or on amazon.com. Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.

Sometimes, my job just isn't manly enough

I'm beginning to think I'm in the wrong line of work.  And not just because this is, from an economic standpoint, the worst time to be a writer since that first semi-literate Neanderthal hammered out a primitive hieroglyph on the rough-hewn wall of his cave.*  Being a writer has never been a lucrative profession unless your last name is Koontz or King.  My own last name doesn't seem to generate quite that much buzz at the Barnes & Noble checkout counter.

But that's OK.  Like I said, most writers, myself included, aren't really in this for the big paycheck.  At one time I was in it for the girls, but that was back in college, when any guy who could put two sentences together and knew what "iambic pentameter" meant was thought by most coeds to be "sensitive" and "soulful."  In truth, writers are no more soulful or sensitive than your average plumber; we're just better at faking it.

That goes double for poets.

Don't get me wrong, I like writing just fine.  And from time to time, it even pays the bills.

But every so often I hear something, some errant comment, that makes me think I might be happier in some other profession.  This happened the other night while SweetAnnie and I were having burgers and beer at Grattan Irish Pub.

It was the first time we'd been there and I was really digging the authentic pub atmosphere, the pint and the burger.  As usual, Annie and I had our Scrabble tiles laid out in front of us.  She was an English major and we both like word games with our beer and burgers.

Annie was sporting a pale, pink cardigan and I had on my corduroy blazer, khakis and old brown loafers.  In short, we couldn't have looked more like a couple ex-academic word nerds if we'd tried.  Happily, the pub is a friendly place where tool-and-die workers don't threaten to kick your butt just because you'd rather play Scrabble than watch Nascar, which is what everyone else in the joint was doing.

I was halfway through my burger and losing badly at Scrabble (as I so often do), when it happened.  A few guys sitting at the bar had been griping about their respective jobs when one said, "I bid on the steel, but didn't get it."

I'm not sure what that even means, exactly, but it sounded incredibly manly.

I bid on the steel.  I bid on the steel.  I bid on the steel.

I've never said anything that cool in my entire life!  That one statement conjures up images of beefy dudes in plaid shirts riding construction elevators to the tops of girder-strewn construction sites, dented lunch-boxes gripped tightly in calloused hands.  It speaks of fresh air, of welding sparks tinged with the electric perfume of ozone, of catcalls aimed at passing secretaries, of red-faced foremen and worn, leather gloves.

"I bid on the steel" is a siren call to male office rats everywhere!  A call to vacate the cubicle, grab a hammer, put on some steel-toed boots!

But here I sit in my basement office writing about it instead.  (This is a family newspaper, so if you'd like to read the expletive I'm thinking of here, you'll have to write it in yourself.)

Sigh.

Think I'll go sort out my toolbox and see if there's anything around the house that needs a nail pounded into it.

*And yes, I know Neanderthal man never used hieroglyphs on his cave wall or anywhere else. I'm just using artistic license here.  OK, so maybe I'm too lazy to research the thing. What can I say?  I was on deadline.

Mike Taylor's new book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available in both paperback and eBook version at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com, amazon.com.  The eBook version also is available from Barnes & Noble Booksellers.  Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.

My old buddy The Marlborough Man is trying to get me into trouble

My relationship with horses has always been adversarial. I love the way the look—from a distance. Up close, they are, quite simply, too big. It’s only natural to feel some sort of discomfort around a creature that can—should the mood take it—stomp my head into the ground like a pat of warm butter.

I would feel the same way around an elephant, a hungry lion, or an enraged hippopotamus. My Neolithic ancestors didn’t live to adulthood by trying to pet the saber tooth tigers. Being a big fat chicken is an important part of my genetic makeup and key to my long-term survival strategy.

So when someone invites me to climb aboard a demented 1,200 pound quadruped with a skittish nature and hooves the approximate weight and size of a cement block, I am understandably reluctant.

Every so often, though, I wind up asking myself, “Mike, you aren’t going to let a little thing like a million years of evolution keep you from riding, are you? You’re braver and smarter than your cave-dwelling forbears, right? You can do this, can’t you? What are ya, a man or a mouse!?”

It’s at this point I usually tell myself to shut the hell up already.

At any rate, for whatever reason, I occasionally find myself on the back of some ornery glue factory reject possessed of a bad attitude and the full knowledge that there is an idiot perched on his back.

I’m thinking about this now because a while back I discovered that a friend—one I’d not seen in years—has purchased a small farm house, found himself a few horses, and somehow transformed himself into a store-bought, idealized version of a cowboy. Incredibly, he has even developed a southern accent and a taste for country & western music. This despite the fact he grew up in Detroit. When I saw him last back in the mid-90s, he was listening to Snoop Dogg, wearing a baseball cap backwards and apparently thought he was black. He’s not.

He’s not a cowboy, either, but these days he thinks he is. He’s traded his backward baseball cap for a Stetson. He wears pointy boots with little silver things on the toes. He shaves only every three or four days. He chews, as in tobacco! He looks like the Marlboro Man if the Marlboro Man had never actually ridden the range or roped cattle for a living, which come to think of it, he probably never did. The Marlboro Man was a model for a cigarette company and no more a “real” cowboy than is my buddy from Detroit.

But a while back, my bud invited me to visit his ranch. (Apparently, if you have a couple horses grazing in your backyard, your domicile is a ranch, not a house.) I might go, but if I do, he’s going to want to show off his horses, which will probably mean going for a ride on one of them. This always ends badly for me. Always.

But, really…what am I? A man or a mouse?

Squeak.

Give your new iPad or Kindle reader what it really wants; Mike Taylor’s book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available in digital format at Amazon.com. Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.

Super Bowl Sunday is not supposed to be healthy!

I feel like a radical fundamentalist who’s just had his belief system questioned by a heretic in a Giant’s jersey. I am by nature a fairly apathetic guy and rarely get my knickers in a twist over articles I read in the newspaper, but a piece appearing in last Thursday’s Press has me fighting mad!

Found on the front page of all places, it is, in essence, a vicious attack ad targeted at something I (and many of my fellow Americans, I’m sure) hold dear. I’m talking, of course, about Super Bowl Sunday food.

As all civilized persons already know, Super Bowl Sunday is supposed to be an unabashed orgy of all that is calorie-rich, greasy, sugary, salty and flat out bad-for-you. Barring religious considerations or strict spousal circumstances to the contrary, that food should be washed down with beer and plenty of it.

But there on the front page of the Press (an otherwise excellent paper that has on numerous occasions failed to hire me despite much nauseating pleading on my part) was an article championing the idea of healthy eating on…yep…Super Bowl Sunday! You read that right: healthy eating!

I swear I’m not making this up.

I don’t want to sound more sexist than I actually am, but I couldn’t help notice the article was written by a woman (reporter SueThoms) about a woman (fitness guru and triathlete Tina Vande Guchte). I’m guessing this was because a man writing the same article would likely suffer major organ failure while doubled over laughing. It’s hard to write with a ruptured kidney; I know.

At any rate, Vande Guchte suggests all sorts of clever ways in which guys and gals watching the big game can stay in great shape while partaking of this annual event. According to Vande Guchte, football fans should keep dumbbells next to the easy chair and perform repetitive curls while watching the game. I’m sorry ma’am, but I need both hands free for beer and chips.

Vande Guchte seems like a very nice person; she’s an attractive redhead who looks to weigh about 97 pounds soaking wet and appears very sincere in her desire to see Americans shape up. On the other hand, she advocates jumping jacks, lunges, and side-to-side hops during commercial breaks, so she is obviously from some other planet, one where hot wings and jalapeno poppers were never invented.

To her credit Vande Guchte suggests skipping the half-time show in exchange for a quick walk around the block. Having seen Madonna’s performance this year, this is the one point on which Vande Guchte and I agree, but probably for different reasons.

Despite Vande Guchte’s admonitions, my own Super Bowl afternoon was spent with Sweet Annie at Riverbend Bar & Grille, where they served free ribs, spicy chicken wings, nachos and lots of other stuff that made it difficult for me to walk, much less perform stretching maneuvers on an exercise ball (as Vande Guchte also suggests).

Annie, who lives what I consider to be a bizarrely healthy lifestyle (she consumes vegetables) talked me into eating a single cherry tomato along with my more enjoyable treats. I’m pretty sure that tomato is what caused my acute “tummy trouble” later that evening.

Super Bowl’s over for another year. Apparently there was some sort of football competition going on between servings of chicken wings and ribs; I wasn’t paying much attention, but there was a lot of yelling so I know others were. And everyone there—even Sweet Annie, who to my eternal embarrassment also ate some carrots!—enjoyed the delicious repast.

Everyone had fun! Can the same be said for those poor underfed schmoes who attended Vande Guchte’s Super Bowl celebration of celery? I have my doubts.

Mike Taylor’s book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or in eBook format at Amazon. Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.