I’m worried about Kanye, I really am. A couple months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you anything about the guy. But since being confined to the sofa 24/7 with a broken leg, I’ve had a lot of time to catch up on pop culture.
Whereas my previous television schedule consisted of two hours a week, the tube now blats non-stop. It’s garbage. The pain meds make it seem less so. I know the pharmacist is giving me the good stuff when I can watch a complete episode of “Real Housewives” without losing my lunch.
Back to Kanye. Turns out he’s a hip-hop artist who appeared on a recent episode of “Saturday Night Live” to promote his new album. The tunes he performed were like something a couple kids going nuts with the auto-tune function on ProTools might crank out in a New Jersey garage.
His music is boring, over-processed, utterly forgettable, computer generated audio pabulum. My opinion. I’m guessing Kanye doesn’t care about my opinion since old, broken-legged white guys are not exactly his target audience.
Maybe if I were younger and hipper I would appreciate his stuff, but I doubt it. I prefer music made by human beings playing actual instruments, you know, the kind that require talent. If everyone on stage with you is “performing” on a MacBook, it’s not music, it’s programming. You’re doing karaoke, dude.
Now, if you’re worried Kanye might read this and develop hurt feelings, you shouldn’t be. Kanye recently described himself as “the greatest living artist and the greatest artist of all time." He says stuff like that all the time. I think his ego will survive whatever mean old Mike Taylor has to say about him.
Besides, it’s not my intention here to dis Kanye. Like I said, I’m worried about the guy. All I want to do is help. Apparently, Kanye’s got money troubles. In a recent “tweet” (something else I suddenly have time for) Kanye announced he’s $54 million in debt.
He’s hoping Mark Zuckerberg (the Facebook guy) will invest $1 billion in “Kanye West ideas.” I swear I’m not making this up, folks. I don’t know about Kanye, but a cool billion would certainly help solve my own financial woes and might even be enough to pay down some of my recently incurred medical bills.
Sadly, my guess is Zuckerberg’s not going to fork over the cash. Why? Well, he’s smart, for one thing. I can’t imagine a smart guy paying $1 billion for a Kanye West idea.
That’s where I come in. Unlike Zuckerberg, I’m not particularly smart. I give money to United Way and a couple other charities. I figure, why not send a few bucks Kanye’s way as well?
Once he’s back on his feet, maybe he could return the favor, perform at my granddaughter’s birthday party or something, I dunno. There’s got to be something he’s good at. Something besides telling people how wonderful he is, I mean.
Now, before you get all excited, Kanye, I should admit I probably won’t be able to come up with the full billion dollars you’re hoping for. I’ve been laid up with this busted leg for a while now and my usual revenue streams are running low, if not dry.
But I still have $543.67 in checking, another couple hundred in savings. I could afford to part with half that, if you think it will help.
And eventually, I’m sure things will improve for you. Hang in there, pal! I won’t buy your new record, but a lot of younger, hipper people undoubtedly will. You’ll be back on your feet in no time!
Meanwhile, my granddaughter’s birthday party is coming up in May, so you’ve got that to look forward to.
mtaylor@staffordgroup.com
(616) 548-8273
