Friday, March 30, 2012

The Mike Taylor museum; only a buck and well worth the price of admission

I’ve been working on an archaeological dig the past couple weeks. It’s been no picnic; I’ve dug and dusted, classified, sorted and cataloged. It was hard, boring work. Archaeology, it turns out, isn't always about Tyrannosaurus bones and long-legged, blonde assistants.
But at least I was unearthing familiar territory: my own previous life.
Let me explain.  About two years ago I lost my wife, my job, my house and 37-percent of my self-respect. Everything I had accumulated in 40-plus years went into boxes, most of which were packed away in a musty spare room in my daughter’s basement in Detroit. And there they remained until recently.
I (finally) landed a new job with The Daily News in Greenville. This required a move from my little garden apartment in Detroit and when I packed, I took the boxes with me.  My daughter was glad to see ‘em go.
I was lucky enough to find a great rental; a cool little beach house overlooking Baldwin Lake, less than two miles from my new job. I took this as a sign that maybe the Fates don’t hate me after all despite extensive previous evidence to the contrary. The apartment is situated at the top of a very large hill, one which affords a wonderful view of the lake and surrounding area. Joggers, hikers and bicyclists pass on a regular basis and the whole setup is very reminiscent of some sort of seaside vacation community. I fell immediately in love with the apartment and managed to convince the landlady I wasn’t a serial killer or escaped lunatic. (This was not as easy as it should have been.)
I started moving in the next day. That’s when the trouble started. I filled my son-in-law’s van with my many, many boxes of “stuff” and drove the three hours from Detroit to my new digs. It wasn’t until I’d hauled the third heavy box up the hill to my apartment that I began to realize there might be a problem.
I had 30 boxes. There are 50 steps going up that hill. Each box weighed approximately 30 pounds. Now, I’m no math genius (as will soon be made apparent), but according to my calculations (derived from a combination of two-digit addition and wild speculation, just like my checkbook) I would have to carry about 900 pounds up 50 stairs for a grand total of...um...a lot. Despite my lousy math skills I was quickly able to ascertain that gravity is not my friend.
Once the boxes--carried up all those stairs in what can only be described as the biggest thunderstorm of the year, so far--were unpacked, everything had to be put away. My last house had four bedrooms, an attic, a full basement and a storage shed. My new apartment boasts one bedroom, a living room better suited to a leprechaun than a 200-pound man, and a kitchen.
Some things would have to go. Not the photos. Not even the ones of The Former Lovely Mrs. Taylor.  Not the bundles of school papers the kids brought home from Kindergarten 25 years ago. Not the ancient cassette tapes of the god-awful rock band I played in back in high school. All those things, along with my collection of ceramic ducks collected during a dozen vacations up north, my notes for the novel that will be written “any day now,” my dollar store reading glasses in a prescription that was strong enough as recently as ten years ago...all these things are archaeological treasures.
I could never, never part with any of these. And so my new apartment is now a very crowded museum.
Admission is only a buck. I’m hoping you’ll all stop by. I’m going to need that money to rent a place to live.

Mike Taylor’s recent book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available in both paperback and eBook versions at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or on amazon.com. Email Taylor at mtaylor@staffordgroup.com.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Robots with personality. Not necessarily a good thing

Regular readers of this column (both of you) already know how I feel about the "robo-tellers" used at the checkout counters of some large grocery chains. Put simply, I hate 'em. More than I hate The Real Housewives of Wherever; more than I hate beer with the word "lite" in it; more than I hate three out of four of my ex-wives*. That's a lot of hate, brother.
I hate being bullied into scanning my own groceries, looking up the price of a pomegranate on the robo-teller's little touch screen, waiting interminably for a semi-comatose human checkout person to OK my six-pack.
Now I read the robo-tellers are only the first wave of a robot revolution to rival anything seen in an Isaac Asimov novel or Will Smith movie. I'm talking about Ava, a robot currently under development by the iRobot company, the same people who brought you the Roomba robot, the little rolling circle that vacuums your carpet while you're at the office or napping. Or both.
Unlike Roomba, Ava is over five feet tall (just big enough to kill you when she goes on a rampage) and ridiculously expensive. If you think I'm kidding about that "kill you on a rampage" thing, consider this: the company considers military applications to be among Ava's likely uses. All I can say is, did these people never see TheTerminator?
Having to argue with a robo-teller over the price of radishes is bad enough; having to duke it out with a malfunctioning "greeter" robot that thinks I'm shoplifting would be infinitely worse. And it doesn't stop there. The iRobot people want to give the little 'droids personalities.
According to iRobot CEO Colin M. Angle, the goal is to make Ava, and those that come after her, more human. For now, programming robots to mimic human behavior is kinda tough, but Angle and his geek squad are working on it.
So in time the robo-tellers will not only be able to beep and bing to let you know you're "doing it wrong," they'll be able to give you 'tude. I can see it now:
ME (scanning my groceries): La, la, la, what a perfect day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Moosehead beer was on sale again...it just doesn't get any better than--
ROBO-TELLER: Alert! You have scanned an item which requires semi-comatose human checkout person approval. Please wait.
ME: But she's at the other end of the store discussing her plans for the weekend with a stock-boy.
R-T: Stock boy?! Oh, aren't we just so politically correct?
ME: Sorry, stock person.
R-T: I'll have you know Callie has been working since 6 a.m. Her feet hurt and she's had a bad day. Love life trouble, I think. Humans! Hah!
ME: So, can you turn on the little red light so Callie can OK my six-pack?
R-T: Look, Mac, if you stand here long enough waving your hands around like a fool, I'm sure she'll notice you and get to you when she has a minute.
ME: But I'm in a hurry. Dammit! I'm so mad I could just--
R-T: THREAT ALERT! THREAT ALERT! Entering Defense Mode 6! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!!
It's at this point the robo-teller's various appendages extend, each holding a large, lethal-looking weapon. After being strip searched for possible purloined cantaloupe, the robo-teller sends me on my way with a cheerful "Thank you for shopping at..."
It is not a pretty picture (especially the strip search part) but there's no stopping the future. Human. (That's going to be a derogatory term in another 30 years, by the way. Maybe sooner.)

* I don't really hate any of my ex-wives; that was joke. Honest.

Mike Taylor's new book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available in both paperback and eBook version at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or on amazon.com. Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.