Robots with personality. Not necessarily a good thing

Regular readers of this column (both of you) already know how I feel about the "robo-tellers" used at the checkout counters of some large grocery chains. Put simply, I hate 'em. More than I hate The Real Housewives of Wherever; more than I hate beer with the word "lite" in it; more than I hate three out of four of my ex-wives*. That's a lot of hate, brother.

I hate being bullied into scanning my own groceries, looking up the price of a pomegranate on the robo-teller's little touch screen, waiting interminably for a semi-comatose human checkout person to OK my six-pack.

Now I read the robo-tellers are only the first wave of a robot revolution to rival anything seen in an Isaac Asimov novel or Will Smith movie. I'm talking about Ava, a robot currently under development by the iRobot company, the same people who brought you the Roomba robot, the little rolling circle that vacuums your carpet while you're at the office or napping. Or both.

Unlike Roomba, Ava is over five feet tall (just big enough to kill you when she goes on a rampage) and ridiculously expensive. If you think I'm kidding about that "kill you on a rampage" thing, consider this: the company considers military applications to be among Ava's likely uses. All I can say is, did these people never see TheTerminator?

Having to argue with a robo-teller over the price of radishes is bad enough; having to duke it out with a malfunctioning "greeter" robot that thinks I'm shoplifting would be infinitely worse. And it doesn't stop there. The iRobot people want to give the little 'droids personalities.

According to iRobot CEO Colin M. Angle, the goal is to make Ava, and those that come after her, more human. For now, programming robots to mimic human behavior is kinda tough, but Angle and his geek squad are working on it.

So in time the robo-tellers will not only be able to beep and bing to let you know you're "doing it wrong," they'll be able to give you 'tude. I can see it now:

ME (scanning my groceries): La, la, la, what a perfect day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, Moosehead beer was on sale again...it just doesn't get any better than--

ROBO-TELLER: Alert! You have scanned an item which requires semi-comatose human checkout person approval. Please wait.

ME: But she's at the other end of the store discussing her plans for the weekend with a stock-boy.

R-T: Stock boy?! Oh, aren't we just so politically correct?

ME: Sorry, stock person.

R-T: I'll have you know Callie has been working since 6 a.m. Her feet hurt and she's had a bad day. Love life trouble, I think. Humans! Hah!

ME: So, can you turn on the little red light so Callie can OK my six-pack?

R-T: Look, Mac, if you stand here long enough waving your hands around like a fool, I'm sure she'll notice you and get to you when she has a minute.

ME: But I'm in a hurry. Dammit! I'm so mad I could just--

R-T: THREAT ALERT! THREAT ALERT! Entering Defense Mode 6! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!!

It's at this point the robo-teller's various appendages extend, each holding a large, lethal-looking weapon. After being strip searched for possible purloined cantaloupe, the robo-teller sends me on my way with a cheerful "Thank you for shopping at..."

It is not a pretty picture (especially the strip search part) but there's no stopping the future. Human. (That's going to be a derogatory term in another 30 years, by the way. Maybe sooner.)

* I don't really hate any of my ex-wives; that was joke. Honest.

Mike Taylor's new book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available in both paperback and eBook version at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or on amazon.com. Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.