Aaaahh. That’s better. The house is
empty, quiet, clean.
My daughter and two of my younger grand-monsters
left an hour ago, following an impromptu weekend visit. It’s not beach weather
yet, so we spent most of the time – other than a couple “nature hikes” – indoors.
Ari and Juniper are 4 and 2,
respectively, and despite being preternaturally cute, they’re essentially rabid
chimpanzees hopped up on powerful amphetamines. That doesn’t mean I don’t love
them, I do, but there are moments I’d happily abandon them both in the middle
of the Gobi Desert with a canteen full of cold water and instructions to get in
touch once they graduate college.
The crazy thing is, ten minutes after Aubreii’s
soccer mom van pulls out of sight at the end of the visit, I start missing
them.
They’re gone now, back to Detroit. I
won’t see them again for three or four weeks. I’m not worried; summer’s coming
and I live in a lakeside cottage. They’ll be back. It’s both the curse and
blessing of having a place on the lake.
But if I’m to be completely honest
(which I am, once in a great while), I admit it’s mostly blessing. I’m crazy about
my kids, grand-kids, even a couple of my ex-wives. Sure, they blow in like
Hurricane Katrina and for a few days my generally placid home is transformed
into a combination jungle Jim/Indianapolis 500 racetrack.
Then they leave and I restart the
process of waiting to see them again.
In the sudden silence following the
kids’ most recent departure, I got thinking how lucky I am, to have close
family. This in turn got me thinking about guys my age who don’t have big
families. They never know the joys and tribulations of extended grandchild
incursions.
It’s an experience everyone should have,
at least a few times in life. Which is why I’m starting a new service designed
to help family-deprived older folks get in on the fun.
I’m thinking of calling it “The Grandchild
Experience” or “Toddlers by the Day.” Something like that.
Now, I realize there are probably child
labor laws that would prevent me from putting any of these three-foot-tall
slackers to work in anything resembling a real job. So, I’m a bit limited
there.
But I figure I can provide almost all the experience of having
grand-kids over without the bother of finding (and possibly having to pay)
actual children.
It would work like this. For a
reasonable fee (I’m thinking around $299.95), my crew (“Team Todder” or
something like that) would come to your house and set up an elaborate system of
hidden speakers. Once in place, I’d begin streaming audio over this home-wide
audio setup. This would be completely controlled by me; there would be no
“mute” or “volume down” buttons available to the homeowner.
For three days, I would broadcast, at
top volume, the fingernails-on-chalkboard voices of kids demanding drinks of
water, Popsicles, more pancakes, and access to various tablets, cell phones and
TV remotes. No matter how many times the faux-grandparent
yells no, the demands would continue. Interspersed with these requests would be
frequent screams of pain, rage, or simple discontent.
The front and back doors of the home
would be fitted with a device that holds the door half-way open at least 20
minutes out of every hour to allow heat out and cold, flies and mosquitoes in.
The Deluxe Package ($399.99, plus
10-percent for holiday weekends) would include the following authentic
grandchildren details:
- A minimum of 20 square feet of
sidewalk covered with chalk.
- Four different colors of Play-Doh,
squished into the carpet.
- 63 Crayola crayons, secreted at
strategic locations throughout the house, mostly under furniture.
- Red Kool-Aid stains on any light-colored
fabrics, including dry-clean only down comforters.
- Roughly 3 pounds of beach sand, pine
needles and miscellaneous detritus spread across every flat surface.
- Individual room “fresheners” scented
like overdue diapers.
Those willing to spring for the
Super-Special-Deluxe package ($550.00) could also look forward to at least one
broken lamp and two missing TV remotes.
With summer coming, my schedule is bound
to fill up quickly! Get your reservations in now and enjoy that Grandchild
Experience for yourself!
