There may be money in a wrinkly face

I’m going to start tanning again. I’m aware of the health risks and I know that, over time, it’ll make my face look like an old leather handbag—more than it does already, I mean. That’s the whole point; I want the wrinkles.

Why? Because I keep up on the latest technology news and in the near future, my crinkled face is going to be worth a fortune.

It may take a while to hit the U.S. market, but in Japan, vending machines are already being developed that actually scan a customer’s face for wrinkles, crow’s feet, skin sags and other signs of aging, before dispensing cigarettes or other “adults only” products. No, I’m not kidding.

It works like this: The customer stands in front of the vending machine’s digital camera, which then compares what it sees to a database of “geezer characteristics.” If enough match, out pop the smokes. If, however, the customer is some baby-faced teen trying to make an illegal buy, then lights flash, sirens blare, Godzilla comes stomping through downtown Tokyo—I don’t know. But I do know the customer gets no cigarettes.

If this takes off, the same technology could be used in vending machines to dispense beer, wine, “Playboy” magazines, DVDs of classic “Matlock” and “Murder, She Wrote” episodes and other stuff intended for grownups only.

And when that happens, a wrinkly face like mine is going to be valued by those youngsters who only wish their skin were a craggy mask of lines, sags and age spots. My crumpled visage will be a passport to a plethora of products unavailable to the smooth-skinned kiddies of the world—unless they’re willing to fork over some serious cash, that is.

That’s right, if the price is right I’ll happily let junior stand behind me while the vending machine scans my Shar-Pei-like complexion and dispenses a pack of Camels or Marlborough Lites.

Maybe I could even sell close-up photos of my face printed on cardboard. Teens desperate for a smoke could buy one, punch a hole in either side, attach a piece of string, and wear it like a mask. Even if they didn’t fool the vending machine, the masks could still be used to frighten toddlers on Halloween. Ooh, look out for the wrinkly monster! Scary.

On the downside, as this technology gets popular, it’s going to absolutely kill the cosmetics industry. Anti-wrinkle cream will go the way of the dodo; nobody will want to look younger anymore. If anything, they’ll want to look older.

In fact, now that I think about it, I should probably start developing a cream that creates wrinkles. I’ll be rich!

I can see the commercial now…

Two teenagers sitting on a park bench. One is smoking, the other is not.

TEEN ONE: Hey Joe! How’d you score that Camel?

TEEN TWO: Piece of cake, man. Just bought it from a vending machine, thanks to the miracle of Geez-ex! The only face cream guaranteed to add years to your appearance!

The camera zooms in to reveal deep lines beneath TEEN TWO’s eyes.

TEEN TWO: It really works!!

If I can also come up with a cream that grows back hair and potbellies, I’m gonna be a millionaire, baby!

To contact Mike Taylor with your questions, comments, or offers to buy stock in his new cosmetics company, e-mail mtaylor325@gmail.com or write via snail mail to: Mike Taylor, c/o Valley Media, Inc., PO Box 9, Jenison, MI 49429. Miss a week? More Reality Check online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.mlive.com/advancenewspapers.