Don’t flush! That could be valuable someday

With $4 per gallon gasoline the norm and still higher prices looming just around the corner, it was bound to happen: Energy providers are finally being forced to seek out alternatives to fossil fuels.

Wind, solar, nuclear—all play their part. But in San Antonio, officials have turned to another source; one that will never dry up (unless left in the sun too long): Poo.

Not as in Winnie the— but rather the stuff that usually gets flushed away a few hours after a trip to a Mexican restaurant.

I know, I know, it’s tacky to talk about it. And I don’t want to offend anyone’s delicate sensibilities. But this is important, man! Nothing less than the future of our country’s energy independence is at stake here.

So let’s all just try to be grown up about this and forge ahead.

The plan in San Antonio is to “harvest” the methane gas from what officials there are calling “biosolids.” (Everyone else is still calling it “poo,” at least if they have kids in the home; otherwise they’re calling it even worse things. But nobody, except for the officials, is calling it “biosolids.”)

This methane gas, which usually does nothing but stink the place up on chili night, will instead be used to fuel furnaces, power plants and other internal combustion-based engines. Once in place and fully operational, the system will recycle about 90 percent of the “materials” flushed down San Antonio’s toilets.

In addition to harvesting (I love their use of that word) the gas, the “solids” will be used for compost and the “liquids” for irrigation.

I’d like to own a nose plug franchise in San Antonio a year from now. Though, according to officials (the same ones who call poo “biosolids”) the smell will be relatively inoffensive.

At any rate, with gas prices going nowhere but up, San Antonio’s plan can only be lauded as a good thing.

Still, I see a few problems on the horizon, ones the energy experts, in their earnest desire to find new resources, may have overlooked. See, right now San Antonio’s the perfect place to set up a system like this; the residents there (from what I’ve heard) live almost exclusively on barbecue. Beef, pork, and lots and lots of ‘taters and gravy—a diet sure to produce tons of “biosolids” every day.

But what happens if San Antonites (Antonians?) decide to diet or— Heaven forbid—become vegetarians? All of a sudden, the “bottom” drops out of the biosolid market and the whole profit structure is “flushed” away! Stockholders in the energy companies are “wiped” out!

OK, I’m all out of dumb bathroom puns.

In truth, I love San Antonio’s plan. I just think they need to make sure the infrastructure is solidly in place before going ahead with it. In order for this system to function well into the future, city officials should mandate a Mexican restaurant or rib joint on every other corner throughout San Antonio’s metro district.

Additionally, I recommend the installation of hundreds of additional public lavatories (AKA “biosolid collection stations”) city-wide.

Finally, the city should offer tax breaks to restaurants that offer only “large” and “supersize” portions. Any restaurant offering a “small” anything should have to pay an additional 2-percent energy tax.

Cholesterol be damned! We should all get “behind” this “movement.” (OK, so I had a couple dumb bathroom puns left, after all.)



More “Reality Check” online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.milive.com. E-mail Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.