Calvin Klein, Manolo Blahnik, Mike Taylor; great names in fashion

I don’t want to be the one to say women are crazy. I like women, I really do. They look better, smell better and even (with the possible exceptions of James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman) sound better than men do.

They don’t come by these traits naturally; women must work at setting themselves apart from men. They do this by wearing uncomfortable clothes, makeup, perfume, painful shoes, constrictive undergarments … women suffer for their beauty.

And if Dutch designer Eric Klarenbeek has his way, that suffering is about to expand exponentially.

Klarenbeek recently announced he has developed a new type of jewelry to add to the rings, necklaces, pins, studs, earrings, hoops and piercings women already employ.

Now, guys, I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, great, another piece of useless, overpriced junk I’ll be expected to buy come Valentine’s Day.” Not to worry; I’m guessing most women, even those really bent on improving their appearance, will not be in a hurry to adopt this one.

What is it? Designer contact lenses with tiny crystals attached via wires! Yep, you read that right; the contacts have little bits of shiny glass hanging from them. The glass is attached by wires, directly to the contact lenses.

The idea is to give the appearance of tears streaming down the wearer’s face. Now, I’m guessing if I put contacts with wires attached to them into my eyes, generating the appearance of tears will be the least of my worries.

And I’m not even sure why a woman would want to look as if she’s been crying. Still, women are mysterious creatures and if this is the wave of the future I’m willing to go with it.

To that end, I’ve developed a line of accessories to wear with Klarenbeek’s contact lenses that will further accentuate the overall “look.”

First up are my nasal electro-plugs. These are two little metal buttons, each containing a battery, that are stuffed up the nostrils. When the wearer sniffs in hard, the plugs generate a brief electrical shock, causing the wearer’s nose to run. This heightens the illusion of crying.

I’ve also developed eye drops that cause the delicate tissue surrounding the eyes to puff up and turn a bright shade of red, assuming the wired contacts don’t already do this to the wearer’s satisfaction. (The drops are basically just a 50/50 solution of bug repellant and ammonia. I’m working on getting the patent.)

Finally, and still under development is my coup de gras, the “head spike” – a six-inch railroad spike that is pounded into the wearer’s forehead, giving the appearance of serious cranial injury. There are still a few bugs in this one and I’m awaiting FDA approval, but I’m hoping to see it on department store shelves by Christmas, 2009.

The starting price on Klarenbeek’s wired contact lenses is about $325. All my accessories will be available for less than fifty bucks. Except for the head spike. The gold-plated version will run about $100 and the less expensive, though still attractive, chrome model comes in at $75.50. A bargain in anybody’s book.

I don’t claim to understand fashion or women, but that doesn’t mean I can’t profit from them.

Missed a week? More “Reality Check” online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.milive.com. E-mail Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.