Little white lies abound in online dating scene

And so now I’m dating, or trying to. Those of you saying, “What about the Lovely Mrs. Taylor?” should check out last week’s column, available online at the usual places. It explains everything.

Anyway, I’m back on the circuit after nearly 20 years of married life. The weeks since I posted my first “profile” on a singles Website have been a learning experience, to say the least.

Since this column is nothing if not a public service platform, I’m going to share some of what I’ve learned with other recently-singled folks who may be reading this.

First off, don’t believe anything you read in a personals ad. Everyone is lying through their teeth and the sooner you come to grips with this, the better.

It’s not that people are willfully dishonest; they just see themselves through different eyes than does the rest of the world. For instance, my profile says I look about 35 (an obvious lie), that I have an “athletic” build (lie number two), that I love long walks on the beach (I hate sand in my sneakers), quiet nights at home (I like noisy nights in a fun club), and am looking for an intelligent, independent woman who knows her own mind (I want somebody cute, period – any other virtues she may possess are just gravy).

Don’t get me wrong, I value intelligence, independence, talent, wisdom, wit and a strong moral compass. But all that’s got to come wrapped in a reasonably attractive package in order to engage my amorous intentions. There are people who will no doubt condemn me for this admission, which, when stated so boldly, does seem shallow.

But that’s the nature of the human species; it’s hardwired into our collective psyche. Every he wants a pretty she. Even if that beauty is strictly in the eye of the beholder.

At any rate, there are other things I’ve learned about interpreting profiles. For instance, when discussing body types, “BBW”, “a few extra pounds”, “average”, and “voluptuous” all mean exactly the same thing. Likewise, “thin” means average, “anorexic” means thin and “emaciated and near death from malnutrition” means reasonably well put together.

The men, of course, lie just as prodigiously as do the women (see my “athletic build” comment, above).

But wait! you say. What about photos? Don’t most of those singles sites have photos?

 You bet. My own photo looks almost exactly like Tom Cruise. I had my daughter shoot my profile photo with a strong, telephoto lens from about a half-mile away. Then using Photoshop, I faded out all the wrinkles and bags, removed the grey from my beard, and pasted Tom Cruise’s head over the whole thing. I look great! Nothing like me, but great!

According to my profile, I’m a famous neurosurgeon, possess a black belt in Tai Kwan Do, and have just moved back to the area from a six-year sabbatical in Paris. In reality, I’ve watched a few episodes of “House,” seen some Jackie Chan movies, and own a postcard that an old girlfriend from high school sent me years ago from the Louvre. So my profile isn’t a total lie, just an, um, entertaining extrapolation of the truth.

 Since posting my mostly hypothetical profile, I have been out on a few dates. How’d they go? Tune in next week for episode two of “Adventures in Middle Aged Dating.”

Missed a week? More “Reality Check” online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.milive.com. E-mail Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.