I predict this column will anger a lot of ‘God-gifted’ psychics

I’ve mentioned here before that I love The Old Farmer’s Almanac. Not those lame-o rip-offs that some unscrupulous supermarkets have been pushing in recent years, but the real Almanac, the one featuring Benjamin Franklin and Almanac founder Robert B. Thomas on its cover. The one that – as of last year – was on issue number CCXVII (which is Roman for “older than Clint Eastwood”).

Growing up in big cities (Detroit, Grand Rapids, Phoenix, Indianapolis, etc.) I had little contact with the world depicted in the Almanac. I was in my teens before I realized carrots weren’t manufactured from long chain polymers in a factory in Queens.

But once I moved to my current home in the bucolic Michigan countryside, I moved with all my heart, might, mind and soul. I planted a garden. I walked and rode my bike alongside miles of corn, beans and ‘taters. I did everything but buy an Amish hat and plow my back forty (feet, that is) with a horse.

I learned a lot, and one of the first things I learned is that folks around here read the Almanac, even those who don’t farm. So I did, too. Sure, there’s plenty of advice for farmers in there; planting tables, frost predictions and so on. But there’s also stuff for reformed city slickers like me.

But the best part, in my opinion, is the advertising section in the back. One thing you can say about the Almanac – they will accept anyone’s advertising dollar. In this economy, you can’t blame ‘em.

The best ads are from psychics. The word “psychic,” as you may be aware, is derived from the Latin “psychulorum,” which loosely interpreted, means “fraud.”*

There are pages of ads from psychics anxious to help with everything from your love life to your problems with the IRS.

“Sister Chloe” is one of my faves this year. Not only is she – according to her ad – “God-gifted,” she can predict the past, present and future. Now, I’m no psychic, but even I can predict the past and present!

It’s getting clearer … clearer … yes! I predict that this morning I had Corn Chex for breakfast! I’m now eating a baloney sandwich for lunch!

Amazing, eh? Predicting the future is a little tougher, but Sister Chloe can do it, for a price. Same goes for Rev. Dr. Black. Not only a reverend, but a doctor as well. If you can’t trust a reverend doctor, whom can you trust?

In fact, about half the psychics listed in the Almanac classifieds are doctors, reverends or “sisters.” Most of the rest are “God-gifted.” (God, apparently, hands out psychic talent like Halloween candy.) That makes it tough for Martha. Martha boasts no medical or religious credentials, she’s just plain Martha. But she does guarantee immediate results! (She does not specify what those results may be, however. The psychic world is a mysterious thing.)

They all claim to be able to remove spells, hexes, voodoo, hoodoo, bad luck, sickness and even lawsuits! That’s cool, but personally, I’d like to get in touch with the folks who cast those hexes and spells in the first place.

Halloween’s coming, and I have enemies.

* OK, I made that up. The only Latin I remember is from morning mass in fourth grade. Dominoes and biscuits, I think it was. Something like that.

Missed a week? More “Reality Check” online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.milive.com. E-mail Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.