Want the perfect family this holiday season? Rent ‘em

I was talking with Angela, the girl who cuts my hair, the other day. It turns out we’re both going to be spending Christmas day alone.

Now, before you start feeling all weepy for me (or Angela), let me just say, it’s not so bad. I’ll be celebrating the holiday with the kids the day before Christmas and with friends a couple days after. But Christmas morning I’ll be flying solo.

I thought about asking Angela to join me Christmas morning, but she’s cute and younger than the socks I usually wear; I was afraid she’d take my invitation the wrong way. Too many people already think I’m a dirty old man; I don’t need to add Angela to that list.

At any rate, Angela (or maybe it was me, I don’t remember) came up with a good idea for dealing with solo Christmas mornings – rental families. This is the perfect time for a business like this to take off in a big way. The economy stinks, people are looking for work, and a lot of guys – like me – have been recently dumped and could use some company come December 25.

I envision it like this: For $100, say, you could rent a spouse. She would show up at the house early with “bed-head” and wearing an old robe. She would fix some coffee and maybe a couple eggs, and then wake you up with a cheery, “C’mon sleepyhead, Santa’s been here!”

You’d go downstairs together, turn on the tree lights, and then open presents.

“This isn’t what I asked for at all,” the rent-a-wife would say. “Don’t you remember? I asked for the green sweater. This one is blue! Did you at least save the receipt this year?”

It would be exactly like having a real wife in the house, only the coffee would be better.

Rent-a-kids also would be available at $50 each, so for $350, you could share Christmas morning with a nice, Catholic family like the one you grew up in. If you’re not Catholic, you could save a few bucks and rent just two kids, or even one, if you’re a yuppie.

The kids would dutifully scream excitedly over good presents and moan about the “gift” pajamas sent by Aunt Marge. They would shred wrapping paper with the fervor of rabid weasels disemboweling a bunny rabbit. The boys would make fun of the girls’ “stupid” gifts of tea sets and Barbie dolls, while boasting about their own Tonka trucks and GI Joe’s.

All of the children would complain bitterly that Santa did not, yet again, bring them either an iPod or a PlayStation.

The youngest child would spill eggnog down the heat register and the oldest girl would sob inconsolably after discovering the batteries for her remote-control Barbie Dream Car are not included and all the stores are closed.

But it won’t all be one-sided; your rent-a-family also would have presents for you. These would, however, consist of a garish holiday tie featuring Garfield in an elf’s hat and a pair of slippers shaped like the head of an antelope – pretty much what your “real” family would have purchased, if you had one.

By the time your rent-a-family leaves, sometime after 1 p.m., you’ll be happy to spend the rest of the day on your own, eating Chinese food and catching a flick.

Of course, as good as this idea is, maybe I’m coming at it from the wrong angle. So, if there are any single moms with a lot of kids out there who need a husband Christmas morning, I’m available. One-hundred bucks gets me sitting around the tree for two hours pretending I like the Garfield tie; for $150 I’ll even make the coffee.

More Reality Check online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.mlive.com. Email Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.