If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t share with Cher

I fulfilled a childhood dream last weekend; I met Cher. Well, a Cher impersonator. A really good Cher impersonator. During the moments she was “in character” it was easy to believe she was the real thing. (That's her photo to the left there; really does look like her, right?)

I ran sound and lights for her appearance at the American Legion Post in Rockford. Usually, I’d be playing in my own little weekend band, but the band business has been slow lately and I’ve had to branch out.

I arrived at the Post a few hours early to lug in the lighting and sound equipment, the “grunt work.”

My system, though nice, is a bit old and finicky. If you’d been knocked around in the back of trailer as long as it has, you’d be old and finicky too. Usually when I set it up in a new club there are a few “gremlins” to track down before everything works properly. Not this time; for once, all the pistons fired right out of the box (I can mix racing metaphors if I want to).

Likewise, the light show was up and running flawlessly in record time.

Now, being Catholic, I’m distrustful of any situation in which things seem to be going my way (with the exception of that Bing Crosby movie of the same name; Google it, kids). When everything goes right, I start waiting for the other shoe to drop. Can’t help myself.

But as showtime rushed closer, all my hardware continued to function without issue. Cher showed up and ran through her sound check. The Niel Diamond impersonator—her warm-up act—ran through his sound check; still, no gremlins.

I put on the background music and accompanied my lovely and talented assistant, Annie, to grab the free dinner we’d been promised. I ate quickly, still moderately distrustful of my antiquated equipment.

The room was filling up quickly with Cher fans anxious to see a close approximation of their heroine belt out “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves.”

Unlike Cher (her real name is Lisa), who does this for a living, “Neil Diamond,” though undeniably talented, is a karaoke singer; he needed his karaoke machine, complete with lyrics on a monitor, to do his set. He plugged it into my system, set the levels and we went from there.

Neil’s set went flawlessly. The crowd went wild. He exited the stage and unplugged his karaoke player from my system. And still no gremlins.

The MC introduced Cher, who—according to our prearranged game plan—would enter from the opposite side of the room with a wireless microphone when I started her music.

I cued it up and hit “play.” The Cher version of “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” pounded from the speakers. Cher floated into the room to thunderous applause, the follow-spot catching every glint and glimmer of her glittering costume (which looked like something that might be the end result of stuffing six peacocks into a blender and hitting the “puree” button). She began to sing, and…nothing. Not a note of her voice came through the PA.

She crossed the room, spotlight following, as the applause slowly died away, to be followed by the sound of 300 voices wondering why they couldn’t hear the vocals, a moment that was, for the sound man (me), very uncomfortable. I’m guessing Cher wasn’t feeling her best, either.

Turns out Neil Diamond had pulled the plug on her wireless mic while unplugging his karaoke system. It took three excruciatingly long minutes to figure this out.

Then the show, as the saying goes, went on. The fog machine, which I employed liberally to accentuate the lights, caused Cher to lose her voice for about 20 minutes. Cher’s CD cut out in the middle of the third song (not my fault, honest!). My laptop, upon which Cher’s CD was being cued, froze up. There were miscues during Cher’s costume changes; tunes started too soon, too late, not at all.

The gremlins had arrived.

Still, Cher (aka Lisa) is a pro; she put on a great show despite the numerous snafus.

I, on the other hand, have officially retired from the soundman biz. I’m thinking of taking up something less stressful. Bullfighting, maybe.

More Reality Check online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.mlive.com. Email Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.