A self-serving press release is no easier to write than a dating site profile

A couple years ago my wife left me. I liked her a lot and it was no picnic. But the most uncomfortable aspect of the entire experience took place months later when I tried to create a “profile” for an online dating site.

It didn’t take me long to figure out it’s impossible to write about oneself while sounding simultaneously A) confident, B) desirable, C) intelligent, and D) humble. It’s easy to accomplish one, maybe even two of these things at the same time. But all four? Not so easy.

I settled for B and D. Then I discovered online dating is the work of the Devil, designed to empty my wallet while introducing me to escaped mental patients.

Now I find myself in a similar situation. My book has shipped. And as a relatively unknown author (OK, completely unknown) the burden of promotion falls squarely on my delicate, birdlike shoulders. A big part of the whole “promotion” thing is writing a press release.

I sat down to do so this morning—three hours ago now—and have got no further than the headline: “Local author publishes humor collection.” Doesn’t exactly snag your attention, does it?

“Elvis dances naked at Princess Di memorial!” would garner more eyes, for sure, but that doesn’t really convey the message I’m trying to get across here, which is: “Buy my book!”

Maybe I should see what other, more successful, authors have done to promote their books. Gimme a sec to Google some stuff…

OK, I’m back. Turns out every author has his or her own approach to promotion. Stephen King, for instance, gazes spookily into the camera and says, “I have written a new book. It is about a possessed tree frog.” In Stephen King’s case, that’s all he has to do. People buy his new book if it’s about cement drying on a newly-poured sidewalk in Schenectady.

Well-known humorist David Sedaris has a web page even uglier than mine, but he’s a much better writer, in terms of both style and substance. Also, his essays appear from time to time in the New Yorker, which undoubtedly boosts book sales, at least among the sort of people who read the New Yorker (Psst: liberal Democrats and Woody Allen).

Dean Koontz has an awesome website, even better than Stephen King’s. And he suffers from none of that “false humility-itis” which seems to plague me. To read Mr. Koontz’s online press release, you’d think he had cured cancer, rather than written a bunch of mostly-scary books with remarkably similar plots (scary monster, helpless victim, 500 pages of chase scene, dead monster).

I’m pretty sure all the authors I checked out have people to write press releases for them. If my mom were still alive, I’d make her write mine; she always had good things to say about me, even if those things weren’t altogether true.

Instead, I think I’ll amend my headline to “Local author writes book about Elvis dancing naked at Princess Di memorial.” It’s a lie, but look man, I have all these books to unload.

More Reality Check online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.mlive.com. Email Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.