I read an article the other day that said Michigan lawmakers are considering a bill to make it legal for regular folks to carry a taser, one of those devices that dispenses a high-voltage charge toward potential attackers, rapists and Republicans with strong opinions, rendering them—temporarily at least—defenseless. I don’t know what your thoughts are on this, but personally, I’m against it.
Not to worry; when it comes to things like gun control, prayer in schools, reproductive rights and teaching creationism vs. evolution my opinions remain unchanged: I believe whatever you believe.
But when it comes to this taser thing…well…I just think they’re too dangerous. Not for you, maybe, or for most sane, rational people; I think they’re too dangerous for me. I could never be trusted with one. I know myself that well.
Oh, I have a couple guns, left over from the days my son was young and I thought it would be fun and manly for the two of us to go “plinking” occasionally. For two summers, Jordan and I had a great time shooting the arms and legs off his sister’s discarded Barbie dolls. Then he outgrew the sport. I felt a little foolish blasting away at fashion dolls by myself, so the guns were disassembled, secured with cable trigger locks and packed away in a cheap gun safe where they will be readily available should the Soviet Union ever get back together and threaten us with mass destruction. Those three .22’s will come in handy in case of a commie nuclear attack.
Over the years I’ve also owned several slingshots, BB guns, water pistols, pea shooters…I once even built a working catapult. I share this so you won’t think I’m some sort of “anti-weapons” nut, despite the Republican comment in paragraph one.
But I am worried about this taser thing. As I said, I know me. Eventually, I would get one, though I haven’t lived in a high-crime area in years. In my current neighborhood parking my rusty Ford outside the garage where people have to look at it is considered a capitol offense. Sweet Annie goes for her nightly walk hours after dark and I don’t worry. The roughest and most rowdy kids in the neighborhood might commit the heinous crime of cutting across your lawn, but if their parents found out, those same kids would be forced to send you a letter of apology accompanied by a coupon for a free cappuccino at the nearest upscale coffee house.
Self defense is not a legitimate excuse for owning a taser, not for me. But man do I want one!
I want one more than that kid in AChristmas Story wanted a BB gun. Part of the reason for this is that I’ve seen ‘em in action, years ago, when the police department in the town I was working purchased a few with money from a Homeland Security grant. They put on a demonstration for the press at which they tasered Cindy, the photographer covering the event with me. She dropped like a sack of potatoes. It made her cry and I felt bad for her, but in the darkest recesses of my heart it was then I began to lust after a taser of my own.
If they do legalize them and if I do get one, who would I use it on? I don’t know…I don’t see my two younger brothers that often and if I ever jolted Sweet Annie I’d never dare sleep again. Various presidential candidates also come to mind, but my guess is this would be frowned upon by the law enforcement community.
In the end, I fear I would try it on myself. I just wouldn’t be able to help it. And so I’m hoping our lawmakers don’t go through with this. People like me just can’t be trusted with this sort of technology.
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