The future’s a funny thing when seen through the eyes of 1911 prognosticators

Connie was for several years the most important woman in my life. Depending on whom you asked, she was a) my secretary; b) the office manager; or c) the brains of the operation. (I was the only person to ever refer to her as my secretary, and then only when I was speaking with people I was trying to impress. I thought saying I had a secretary made me look important. I still think that.)

Connie remembered the names of every citizen in the small town I called home and could recite them to me quickly whenever they approached the front door of the newspaper at which we worked. Then I could say things like, “Hey, Bill! How’s the wife and kids?” when they walked in the front door. It made me look like I knew what was going on. I did not. But Connie did.

Constance (she hates it when I call her that) moved down south to Hillbillyville, USA several years ago. I miss her way more than I do any of my ex-wives.

But we’re still Facebook “friends,” so I keep up with what’s going on with her husband, kids and miscellaneous grandchildren. More importantly, I still get to see all the stuff Connie thinks is funny, amusing or interesting, just as if we were still sharing an office.

Earlier today, she posted an article from a 1911edition of The Ladies Home Journal in which the editors predicted what life would be like in the United States by the year 2011. One might expect the predictions would be silly or at the very least far off the mark, but they aren’t. In fact, most are eerily accurate.

For instance, the editors predicted there would be between 350,000,000 to 500,000,000 people living in the United States by 2011. According to the Internet, which never lies, there were actually 312,862,977 U.S. citizens last year. Most of them spent their waking hours driving right in front of me, going ten miles per hour under the speed limit.

Other predictions included hot and cold air coming from spigots. The spigot idea didn’t work out, obviously, but the editors did describe with some accuracy central air and heating systems. Also, “ready cooked” meals that sound suspiciously like something you’d get at McDonald’s were envisaged, though the editors predicted the food would taste good, so points off there.

Automobiles that sold for less than horses were another prediction. I guess this depends on the horse and the car, but I’m guessing my 1994 Ford Taurus would pull in less cash than the offspring of Secretariat, say.

The editors also predicted air-ships, weapons that could decimate entire cities, the growth of the suburbs, subsidized education, automated farming, and the fax machine. Not bad for a bunch of guys who have been dead for at least 50 years (or longer).

They did miss the mark on a few predictions, no shame there. For instance, they foresaw the extinction of horses (by accident) and the extinction of flies, mosquitoes and cockroaches (on purpose). Neither of these prophecies came to pass, though I am hopeful with regard to the mosquito thing.

Other predictions included television (did happen), genetically-altered fruit (happening, despite a lot of whining from hippies and other people afraid of growing extra appendages), submarines (happened), free college educations (happened, provided you can hide from the student loan people until you die), cell phones (happened, according to my most recent bill), and auto air conditioning (happened, provided your car is not a 1994 Taurus, in which case it has been broken for a while).

Anyway, Constance’s article got me thinking about what life will be like in 2111, a century from now. I have some ideas, but I want yours, folks! Email your predictions to mtaylor325@gmail.com and I’ll run the best of ‘em in an upcoming Reality Check column. This is your chance to leave your mark on future generations!

In fact, let’s make a contest out of it. The very best prediction wins a 1994 Ford Taurus* with no air conditioning. Who knows? The old girl may have another 100 years in her.

*I’m kidding about the car. I need it to live in.

Give your Kindle something worth reading: Mike Taylor’s e-book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available at Amazon.com and other online book sellers. Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.