Super Bowl Sunday is not supposed to be healthy!

I feel like a radical fundamentalist who’s just had his belief system questioned by a heretic in a Giant’s jersey. I am by nature a fairly apathetic guy and rarely get my knickers in a twist over articles I read in the newspaper, but a piece appearing in last Thursday’s Press has me fighting mad!

Found on the front page of all places, it is, in essence, a vicious attack ad targeted at something I (and many of my fellow Americans, I’m sure) hold dear. I’m talking, of course, about Super Bowl Sunday food.

As all civilized persons already know, Super Bowl Sunday is supposed to be an unabashed orgy of all that is calorie-rich, greasy, sugary, salty and flat out bad-for-you. Barring religious considerations or strict spousal circumstances to the contrary, that food should be washed down with beer and plenty of it.

But there on the front page of the Press (an otherwise excellent paper that has on numerous occasions failed to hire me despite much nauseating pleading on my part) was an article championing the idea of healthy eating on…yep…Super Bowl Sunday! You read that right: healthy eating!

I swear I’m not making this up.

I don’t want to sound more sexist than I actually am, but I couldn’t help notice the article was written by a woman (reporter SueThoms) about a woman (fitness guru and triathlete Tina Vande Guchte). I’m guessing this was because a man writing the same article would likely suffer major organ failure while doubled over laughing. It’s hard to write with a ruptured kidney; I know.

At any rate, Vande Guchte suggests all sorts of clever ways in which guys and gals watching the big game can stay in great shape while partaking of this annual event. According to Vande Guchte, football fans should keep dumbbells next to the easy chair and perform repetitive curls while watching the game. I’m sorry ma’am, but I need both hands free for beer and chips.

Vande Guchte seems like a very nice person; she’s an attractive redhead who looks to weigh about 97 pounds soaking wet and appears very sincere in her desire to see Americans shape up. On the other hand, she advocates jumping jacks, lunges, and side-to-side hops during commercial breaks, so she is obviously from some other planet, one where hot wings and jalapeno poppers were never invented.

To her credit Vande Guchte suggests skipping the half-time show in exchange for a quick walk around the block. Having seen Madonna’s performance this year, this is the one point on which Vande Guchte and I agree, but probably for different reasons.

Despite Vande Guchte’s admonitions, my own Super Bowl afternoon was spent with Sweet Annie at Riverbend Bar & Grille, where they served free ribs, spicy chicken wings, nachos and lots of other stuff that made it difficult for me to walk, much less perform stretching maneuvers on an exercise ball (as Vande Guchte also suggests).

Annie, who lives what I consider to be a bizarrely healthy lifestyle (she consumes vegetables) talked me into eating a single cherry tomato along with my more enjoyable treats. I’m pretty sure that tomato is what caused my acute “tummy trouble” later that evening.

Super Bowl’s over for another year. Apparently there was some sort of football competition going on between servings of chicken wings and ribs; I wasn’t paying much attention, but there was a lot of yelling so I know others were. And everyone there—even Sweet Annie, who to my eternal embarrassment also ate some carrots!—enjoyed the delicious repast.

Everyone had fun! Can the same be said for those poor underfed schmoes who attended Vande Guchte’s Super Bowl celebration of celery? I have my doubts.

Mike Taylor’s book, Looking at the Pint Half Full, is available at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or in eBook format at Amazon. Email Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.