Crop circles are back in the news. This time, the mysterious patterns have been hacked into a wheat field in eastern Washington, presumably by space aliens.
Of course, the circles might also be the work of teenagers with a penchant for pranks and too much time on their hands, but conspiracy theorists the world over much prefer the space alien scenario. To be honest, so do I.
The most recent crop circles turned up in the field of Greg and Cindy Geib, who seem — in press interviews, at least — to be not at all upset by the damage done to their wheat crop.
The Geibs’ field is located just 10 miles from Grand Coulee dam, the largest producer of hydropower in the U.S. Could this mean the space aliens are marking possible targets for future destruction? You know, for when they finally invade, take over the planet and herd us all into giant spaceships for nefarious purposes too horrible to discuss in polite company.
Crop circles aren’t always circular; they come in many shapes and sizes and have “appeared” in fields across the country for decades. The Geibs’ crop circle looks a lot like a four-leaf clover, leading some experts to believe the aliens perpetrating the deed were heavily influenced by last year’s St. Patrick’s Day festivities. Perhaps clover-shaped crop circles are the result of repeated attempted landings by aliens that have had one too many shots of Jameson. I know what that stuff does to my motor skills, so it’s a possibility.
The point is, no one really knows for sure. And that’s why it’s so much fun; we’re all left to our own devices when it comes to creating a possible explanation.
Some experts on crop circles (and how does one become a crop circle expert, anyway? Is there a school somewhere?) believe the markings, which are sometimes acres across, could be navigational aids for visitors from outer space.
Now, I never went to crop circle school, but it seems to me that beings that have travelled across light years to visit our little planet would at least have some space-going version of GPS. I mean, I can punch a few keys on my cell phone and get step-by-step directions to downtown Schenectady. Not that I would ever want to go there; the point is, I could, and I wouldn’t need large navigational beacons carved into some hapless farmer’s corn field to do so.
But maybe they’re not road signs for E.T. Maybe crop circles are the interstellar equivalent of “hobo signs,” the markings transients once inscribed on fences, posts or sidewalks to let other hobos know what they could expect by way of handouts in a certain town or neighborhood.
Maybe the Geibs’ crop circle, seen from space, relays a message like: “Don’t bother stopping here! These nitwits are still governed by a two-party political system. You wouldn’t believe the TV commercials during election years!”
Or perhaps they say: “This one is called Earth. Lots of fresh water, but unfortunately, the planet is infested with bipedal parasites. Request immediate extermination.”
Or maybe: “This place is just crawling with potential probe subjects! Best location for abducting ‘participants’: trailer parks in New Mexico.”
The crop circles could mean anything. Or nothing. Or they could be the work of teenagers after all. Or alien teenagers. To me, that one makes the most sense.
Out joyriding in daddy’s new spaceship with too much time on their hands. Damn kids!
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