My old man used to tell me that a writer is his own worst critic. That’s never been the case with me; other people are generally far more critical of my stuff than I am.
Maybe it’s because I’m just not that fussy. I don’t aspire to be the next Thurber or Twain. All I want is to crank out my 600 words, collect my paycheck and grab a beer and cheeseburger in a pub where they keep the volume turned down on the TVs.
I live a simple life, I don’t aspire to wealth or greatness. Happiness, for me, is a small boat that doesn’t leak, a fishing pole and a warm afternoon. The boat and pole I have in the garage; I’m confident the warm afternoons are just a few months away.
But I digress. Frequently. The point is, THIS writer is not his own worst critic.
Every so often, though, I’ll write a column that — for one reason or another — I’m just not crazy about. Maybe it doesn’t strike me as funny, or as funny as I’d like it to be. Maybe it rambles too much and takes forever to get to the point (like this one!). Maybe I’m just thinking about how I’d rather be out in my boat drowning worms.
Whatever the reason, some columns I just don’t like. Last week’s was such a column. I wrote it, I filed it, I plan to charge for it, but for my part, I just didn’t like it much.
But you guys did. (It was the one about “modern” parenting techniques.) I received a ton of reader mail. Not a ton, a half ton. Quarter ton. OK, a dozen letters or so. For me, that’s a ton.
All those letters were extremely complimentary, which I love, because nobody likes hearing how much they stink, even me. Especially me.
Doug took a photo or a scan or something from the print edition and posted it online, then e-mailed the link to people in his address book. If I can get 600,000 more folks to do this, I can shoot a video of me writing my column “Gangnam Style” and be an overnight sensation. Maybe enough money will roll in that I can fish for a living.
Doug also suggested I run for president, in no small part because I seem like the kind of guy who would accept bribes most anyone could afford, thus putting the “little guy” on a political par with Big Oil at last.
My favorite letter was from Deborah, who suggested I write a book on parenting. I think she was serious. She even offered to help with the research and interviews.
As much as I appreciate the confidence Deborah has in me, the idea of ME writing a “how to” parenting book is, frankly, terrifying. I am MUCH better at pointing out flaws in the parenting techniques of others than I am at telling folks how to do it RIGHT. In other words, I’m great at griping, but not much for actually doing anything to make a situation better.
Besides, when I think of all the mistakes I made raising my own kids … oy! Me writing a book on parenting would be like Rush Limbaugh writing a book on how to be a good liberal.
If you need someone to put together a book on small boats, fishing and beer, I’m your man. But the idea of a generation of children raised on MY theories? Oooh … some ideas are just too horrifying to contemplate.
Dwayne also asked if he could repost the column, which for the record, is always just fine by me. I don’t know much about the legal ramifications of this, but I think my columns still belong to me after they’re published, and once they leave my email out-box, I don’t worry much about what happens to them. Just don’t Photoshop Lindsay Lohan’s body on them and post ‘em on porn sites.
Finally, Molly said she and her husband got a kick out of the column and are passing it along to their five kids, ages 7 to 18. All I can say is, “Don’t do it, Molly!” Those kids will grow up hating me for suggesting an occasional swat on the fanny isn’t going to do them any harm and might actually do them some good.
I already have more enemies than I need.
At any rate, thank you all for your letters and emails. They made me feel a little better about what I considered to be a moderately stinky column.
Mike’s book, “Looking at the Pint Half Full,” is available at Robbins Book List in Greenville. The Kindle version is available on Amazon.com.
mtaylor@staffordmediasolutions.com
(616) 548-8273
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