Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Cockroaches are the key to my early retirement



I wonder if Americans seem as bizarre to the Chinese as they sometimes seem to us. Probably. After all, we gave the world Miley Cyrus, genetically “enhanced” crops and corporate-owned government; I guess I don’t really wonder after all.

We Americans are weird. But not as weird as the Chinese.

The Chinese have had centuries to fine-tune their weirdness. Their civilization is older by far. The Chinese developed a lunar calendar and fireworks thousands of years before our ancestors crossed the ocean, stole this country from its rightful owners, and then enacted strict immigration laws to keep everybody else out.

Change comes only slowly to China and traditions from ancient times linger, like the smell of last night’s pan-fried calamari.

So it’s little wonder the Chinese — at least some of them — believe cockroaches slow down the aging process. Keep in mind, these are the same folks who believe powdered rhino horn makes them irresistible to the fairer sex and produces Spiderman-like powers in the sack.

I’m not trying to make fun of Chinese culture here; we Americans have our own cultural crosses to bear (see Miley Cyrus, above). I’m just pointing out they are at least as weird as we are.

And the cockroach thing … I mean, really? Sure, after the next Big Nuclear War, only cockroaches and personal injury attorneys (kind of redundant, really) will still be here. But will eating one (a cockroach, not an attorney) prolong life? And even if it will, are those extra few years worth dining regularly on filet of bug?

The Chinese think so. In China, roaches are big business.

“Prepared” cockroaches in China sell for $89 per pound. By prepared, I mean crushed into cockroach powder. I don’t know if the Chinese sprinkle this on breakfast cereal, snort it, or toss it into the air like fairy dust at birthday parties; regardless, it’s yucky.

Cockroaches are, after all … well … cockroaches! Eek! Ick! Like that. They’re worse than “American Idol,” worse than Miley Cyrus. Not worse than personal injury attorneys, but still, pretty bad.

Yet in China, actual farms have been constructed — cockroach farms! They’re breeding cockroaches on purpose!

It would probably be cheaper to import them from New Jersey or Detroit, where free-roaming cockroaches may be found in abundance, but the Chinese like doing things themselves. So they have formed the Sichuan Treasure Cockroach Farming Cooperative, and no, I am not making this up. Cockroach. Farm. Two words I never thought I would see together.

I suspect the “science” behind cockroach ingestion and its alleged affects on human longevity is much like the science behind astrology, racism and Fox news; it’s just something people too lazy to think for themselves accept as true.

Seems silly to me, but who am I to judge? And it has me wondering: Is the downtown Detroit apartment I lived in back in my college days still available? If so, I could rent it, set up a few roach traps and — selling to the Chinese at $89 per pound — I could retire comfortably within a few years.

It’s all about understanding the global market, folks, and being willing to squish a few bugs.


More Reality Check online at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com. Email Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.

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