If I wanted ‘challenges’ I’d still be with my first wife

My answer is no. Emphatically, positively, unequivocally … no. 

I’m not a Scrooge. I don’t pace the streets of London mumbling “bah” or “humbug.” I don’t long to see orphans and widows incarcerated on work farms. Anyone who knows me will tell you I’m generous, honest and fair. A jerk, yes, but a generous, honest and fair jerk.

But no, I will not dump a bucket of ice water on my head. I will not wade into frigid waters in March. I will not jump off a bridge — in the words of my sainted Irish mother — “just because everyone else is doing it.”

No.

No no no no no.

So everybody can just cease “challenging” me right now. As of this very second.

In the past week, I’ve been challenged to join the rest of the lemmings running off the cliff side in this ALS Ice Bucket thing currently making the Internet rounds a total of five times. At least two of those challenges were made very publicly, on Facebook.

So now if I don’t fork over a hundred bucks and let someone dump a bucket of ice water on my head, I am (apparently) an unfeeling weasel (I’m not) who doesn’t care about finding new treatment options for ALS (I do). 

I’d like to see an end to ALS, which is a terrible, debilitating disease that robs the sufferer of his or her dignity, freedom and eventually, life. It’s at least as bad as Alzheimer’s, which claimed the lives of my mother and uncle, two of the people I loved best in life.

I hate it.

I also understand this bucket deal has been a remarkably successful fundraiser for ALS research. Just like the Polar Plunge was last winter for Special Olympics. (At least one guy actually died taking the polar plunge, by the way — look it up.) So I can see why the ALS people are hoping this fad (which is what it is, let’s be real; it’s the pet rock of charity fundraising) lasts a while longer.

But I won’t be taking part. Why? Because I believe charity should be just that, voluntary giving from the goodness of one’s heart. I also believe, quite strenuously, that whenever possible, giving should be anonymous. There are Biblical precedents for these opinions, but since I’m a bit of a heathen, I will not cite them here; if you’re interested, buy a concordance and do your own research.

I may make a donation to ALS research, or I may not. The point is, it’s nobody’s business but my own. And if I do decide to make a donation, it will be because I want to.

I know, I know, the guy who just received the ALS diagnoses doesn’t care if I want to donate or if I’m coerced into doing so by a Facebook friend, as long as the money winds up going to research to find a cure. He has a valid point. 

So do I.

I’ll donate or I won’t. Nobody but me (and the IRS) will ever know for sure. But the ice water thing? Bah. Humbug.

mtaylor@staffordgroup.com

(616) 548-8273