What kind of phone do I really need? No phone

Continuing a long tradition of purchasing technology just hours before it becomes obsolete, I recently picked up a new iPhone 5s. Exactly one day before the iPhone 6 was announced. By not waiting that extra day, I got the chance to pay $100 more for the thing than I would have 24 hours later.

This episode could reasonably be titled “The Story of My Life.”

I am single-handedly responsible for propelling technology forward. If I buy something — anything — the new and improved version is sure to come out a few days later. This doesn’t sometimes happen, it always happens.

Several years back, I finally broke down and purchased a giant screen TV, one of those rear projection jobs that take up half the living room and can be viewed clearly only from a “sweet spot” directly in front of the set. Television manufacturers responded to my purchase by flooding the stores with flat screen sets; cheaper, clearer, more compact, better in every way.

A few years later when I decided I wanted my living room back, I had to give that giant screen monstrosity away, free. And even then the kid who hauled it away griped bitterly about the sparse feature set on the remote control.

I still haven’t purchased a flat screen TV, but I’m thinking about it, if only to move video technology to the next level. If I buy a flat screen, next week Sony will be cranking out 5-D RealVision with Smell-o-rama or some such nonsense. It’s inevitable.

Which is why I’m so excited by the NoPhone, a project currently seeking sponsorship on KickStarter.

The NoPhone is touted as a “technology-free alternative to constant hand-to-phone contact that allows you to stay connected with the real world.”

How does NoPhone accomplish this? By being a plain, non-functioning, solid block of iPhone-shaped plastic. 

That’s right, it can’t be used to text, surf the web, make phone calls, email or check the weather. It won’t function as an alarm clock, timer, GPS device or eReader. 

It won’t do a thing.

And according to NoPhone designers, it will never become obsolete or require software upgrades. If you accidentally drop it in the toilet, it will continue to function exactly as it did before, which is to say, not at all.

Though the manufacturers don’t mention them, I can think of a few other selling points for the NoPhone:

• Your boss can’t call you on it.

• Your wife can’t call you on it.

• Your girlfriend can’t call you on it.

• Your girlfriend can’t call your wife on it.

• Nobody can call anybody on it.

Right now the NoPhone is offered only in basic black. I want one, bad, and plan to make the purchase just as soon as they hit the shelves.

And you can bet the following week, they’ll come out with the chrome, non-slip NoPhoneIIs.