I'll admit it. I just plain hate sports

I used to be uninterested in sports. During those moments when our editorial staff is all abuzz with breathless talk of playoffs and draft picks, I typically let my eyes glaze over as I go to my imaginary happy place, where tanned, young women deliver an endless stream of margaritas to my spot on the beach and the ocean waves gently lap my toes.

For me, tanned young women and margaritas will always be infinitely more interesting than anything that might have happened during the fourth quarter of last night's Big Game.

So, just sort of uninterested in sports. Until recently. Af a couple weeks ago, I actively hate sports. I hate baseball, I hate football, I hate basketball and I especially hate hockey. I hate all the people who play sports, the people who buy tickets to watch the people who play sports, the people who sell those tickets ... I even hate the company that prints those tickets in the first place!

I hate sports more than the Grinch hates Christmas, more than Tea Baggers hate Obama, more than Kanye West hates remaining in his seat during the Grammys. The equation is simple: Me + Sports = HATE!

Why this sudden vehemence toward something that previously barely registered on my radar? I'll tell ya.

Trivia Crack. 

Trivia Crack is a little video game you play on your smartphone, against other players, either friends or strangers. 

My daughter, Aubreii, introduced me to it.

As soon as I started my first game I realized something: I'm good at trivia. My head, it turns out, is chock-full of useless, random information that is utterly worthless; worthless, that is, unless you're playing Trivia Crack. If you are, all those worthless facts transform you into the Obi Wan Kenobi of smartphone gaming.

Ever wonder what a pregnant goldfish is called? I know that! (A twit.) How long does a dragonfly live? (24 hours). What happens to a female ferret if she goes into heat but cannot find a mate? (She dies.)

My brain, old and margarita-abused though it may be, is the Trivia Crack equivalent of the Library of Congress. Do I know everything? No, I do not. Not quite. But I know enough to be virtually unbeatable when it comes to Trivia Crack.

Until the topic turns to sports.

When a sports question comes up, I instantly devolve from Stephen Hawking into Lenny from "Of Mice and Men."

Sure, some of the sports questions are crazy tough. I mean, is there anybody, anywhere, that knows who played second base for the Tigers in game three of the 1968 World Series? No, there is not. And if there is, you can add that person's name to the above list of sports-related things I hate.

I can't answer questions like that! I don't WANT to answer questions like that!

But it gets worse. I'm also incapable of answering the so-called "easy" sports questions. Like: "Which one of these is not a ball? a) football, b) baseball, c) basketball, d) hockey puck."

Who cares?! What does any of this have to do with young, tanned girls and margaritas? When you can show me that link, THEN I'll try to learn something about sports.

Until then, I'll continue to be a hater.

mtaylor@staffordgroup.com

(616) 548-8273