I’m ready for my 15 minutes of stupid

By the time you read this, my 15 minutes of fame will be over. 

Hopefully, I will not have squandered that time foolishly; I will not have said or done anything overtly stupid, offensive or illegal.

But the odds are not in my favor. Anytime I’m forced to speak in public, something terrible happens; my mouth moves, my lips part, my teeth rise and fall and sound escapes.

What comes out is usually stupid, offensive or illegal.

Tomorrow morning (as I write this) I’ll be doing two morning radio shows and one television appearance in Grand Rapids. I’m promoting an upcoming benefit concert* my band, The Guinness Brothers, is hosting with our all-girl “sister band,” The 6Pak.

We’re raising money for the Veteran’s Facility in Grand Rapids, so it’s a Really Good Cause and deserves to be promoted. I just wish someone other than me was doing it.

Fortunately, I’ll have Cindy with me, the drummer from The 6Pak. She’s a smart, articulate cookie and I’m hoping she’ll do most of the talking.

But at some point, that show’s host is sure to ask me a question or two. That’s the point at which things are going to get dicey.

I’ll try real hard to sound clever, witty, or at least sane, but I know from bitter experience that never works.

Oh, sure, I have a daily radio show on WGLM in Greenville. I’ve heard myself there and I sound OK. Garrison Keeler’s losing no sleep over my little two-minute program, but it’s not terrible. 

That’s because it’s scripted and I can do all the “takes” I need. I edit out the stupid, offensive and illegal parts. Listeners who tune in to the show (mostly my ex-wives, to see if I’ve told any more lies about them) hear me at my heavily edited and judiciously censored best. 

All the appearances tomorrow are live. Live! As in, back the truck up, open wide and unload a heapin’ helpin’ of dumb.

It’s inevitable.

The radio shows are during “drive time,” when there are, so I’m told, a lot of listeners. Thousands of chances for me to sound like a fool.

I don’t know if I’ll come up with something as memorable as “I am not a crook,” or “I did not have sex with that woman.” But I’m guessing I’ll blurt at least one spontaneous utterance that’ll rank up there with the most unfortunate comments of all time.

All I know for sure is, I’ll be glad when that 15 minutes is over.