My solution for bringing dignity back to American politics

"A lot of folks probably didn’t know this, but there’s an election coming up next month. Presidential, I think. I could be wrong, but I saw a comment about it on Facebook the other day; just the one, from one of my civic-minded friends encouraging everyone to get out and vote. Can’t believe more people aren’t talking about this."

Ah. Wouldn’t life be grand if the above paragraph reflected reality?

But it doesn’t.

The truth is that every American with a laptop and Wi-Fi connection has for the past 18 months buried my Facebook newsfeed with comments, criticisms, insipid memes, admonitions, lies, truths and outright BS regarding the upcoming circus … election, I mean.

At this point, I’d vote for the biggest bloviating idiot in America, just to have it over and done with. And this year, as it turns out, that option is available to me. (If you pictured your favorite candidate while reading that previous sentence, that’s your business, not mine.)

Like a lot of voters this election cycle, I feel one candidate is horrible, terrible, unfit for office and a national disgrace. The other is slightly worse.

But this is America and regardless of which joker winds up driving the clown car to the Oval Office come November, I believe the Republic will survive. Our forefathers – who were considerably better at this job than our current fathers – had enough sense to build the country on a system of checks and balances, all designed to keep one individual from having too much power. “Mad” King George III was still fresh in their minds.

Of course, I do have a candidate I loathe slightly less than the others, but I’m not inclined to tell you which that is. Nor do I care who you’re voting for. Again, it’s your business.

I will never understand why so many folks feel duty bound to cram their point of view down the throats of friends and neighbors like a farmer force-feeding a foie gras goose.

Personally, I don’t like it. I’ll bet you don’t like it, either. In fact, even the most virulent, rabid political zealots don’t like it. Unless they’re the ones doing the force-feeding, of course.

My point is, nobody likes it but nearly everybody does it. Frankly, all this ranting over which candidate is “least worst” makes me long for those civil, friendly Facebook debates over whether people who say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” should be summarily executed as part of a jolly new seasonal tradition.

Fortunately, I have a solution. Under my plan, there’d be no need for this undignified ruckus every four years, with all its accompanying “sound and fury, signifying nothing” – to quote Willie (Shakespeare, not Nelson).

No, I have a better way to elect our nation’s leader, one far more civilized and elegant, yet still in keeping with current American attitudes and values.

I call it “Presidential Smackdown 2020!!!”

I’m still working out the details, but it’ll involve cage fighting, a lot of glittery, Spandex outfits, that guy who yells, “Are you rrrready to rrrrrumble?!” and maybe even a shark tank with lasers if I can work out the logistics before the next election rolls around.

It’ll be almost as entertaining as this election has been, but more dignified. Best of all, it’ll last for only four, 15-minute quarters. Or until one candidate falls into the shark tank.

Or, if we’re very lucky, all the candidates.

mtaylor325@gmail.com

(616) 730-1414