We need a little less begatting around the holidays

I need to be rich. Not just a little rich, but a lot; six or seven million in monetary liquidity, at least.

I didn’t used to feel this way. There was a time, and not that long ago, that money was all but meaningless to me. As long as I had food on the table, a roof over my head and reasonably fast internet, I was happy as a well-fed, housed, wi-fi-connected clam.

But no more. Now I need the big bucks and I need ‘em now. Preferably in the next two days.

It’s because of my grandkids. I have too many of them and Christmas is this Saturday. My grandkids – Edison, Rosie, Ari, Kaelyn, Juniper, Junior, Daniel, Abraham, Blake, Valerie and Camdyn – have all happened in the past 16 years. And there’s at least one more we know about on his way.

My children, along with Mrs.Taylor’s (formerly Lori Frankforter’s), are responsible for more “begats” than the books of Genesis and 1 Chronicles combined. Seeing as I am the sole Catholic in this extended family, there’s absolutely no reason for all this widespread begatting. No logical reason, anyway.

Technically speaking, there could be another three grandkids – or even four if my oldest son could find a nice girl and settle down – by next Christmas. That’s 15 grandkids, man! A lot of presents to buy, in anybody’s book!

I mean, there are Arab sheiks with a dozen wives who have fewer grandkids than I do! And unlike me, the sheiks can afford them!

My daughter, Aubreii, assures me that Juniper, who was born just a couple months ago, is the last for her. But she’s said that before. At this point, I’m not sure she can be trusted. Mrs. T’s (fLF’s) daughter, Megan, is currently working on Number Three and is young enough to maintain her present reproductive pace for another decade or two.

As to the boys, Jordan, James and Jason (they should open the Three J’s Ranch or something), who knows how many more kids they could begat in the next 20 years?

Look, I love kids and I especially love my grandkids, every one of them. Even Rosie, who’s now 14 and spends almost all her time sulking and drawing anime figures in a sketch pad.

But I’ve done the math. If my children and Mrs. T’s (fLF’s) keep begatting at their current rate, and if my grandkids begin grand-begatting at the usual age, in 20 years I could easily have 6.2 million grandchildren and great-grandchildren. (I should point out my last math class was ninth grade algebra, and Mr. Paepke only passed me with a D because he felt sorry for me and it was becoming obvious I belonged in a special class.)

At the moment, I have only 11 grandkids with number 12 on the way to round it out to an even dozen. From a present-buying point of view, that about did me in this year. How am I going to handle buying for 6.2 million? I mean, even if I start shopping in June, like I always promise myself I’m going to do, that’s just too many presents.

So. I need to be rich. Not just rich enough to afford all those presents, but (preferably) rich enough to hire someone to do all that shopping for me.

Maybe I could hire one of my grandkids.

mtaylor325@gmail.com

(616) 745-9530