Hopefully, there will be no white cane in my future

Apparently, I’ve been trying to blind myself for the past four years. This came as news to me when I visited the eye doctor last week. Not sure if he’s an ophthalmologist or an optometrist. He seemed to know a lot about the medical side of eyeballs, so I’m guessing ophthalmologist. Also, “ophthalmologist” is harder to spell, which points to the likelihood of a PhD in there somewhere. Given a choice, I prefer a doctor with a medical degree.

Whichever kind of eye care professional he is, he read me the riot act over the way I’ve been treating my eyes. It’s not as if I’ve been an eyeball abuser on purpose. Far from it; my eyeballs are two of my favorite bodily orbs. Without them, I could never watch girls at the beach or binge on old episodes of “Breaking Bad.”

So, I try to be good to my eyes. I wear sunglasses that block UVA rays, UVB rays, UVC rays, and the backsides of people who weigh more than 400 pounds yet still insist on wearing beige yoga pants while shopping at Walmart. On the rare occasions I use eyedrops, I make sure to stick with the kind distilled from organic unicorn tears and the sweat of newborn butterflies.

My eyes, in turn, have always been good to me. Oh, I’m getting a little nearsighted in my old age. Or maybe it’s farsighted. Which one is it when you start needing reading glasses? That’s the one I am. But other than that, no eye problems. And the near (or far) sightedness isn’t really an issue, because contact lenses fix the problem. I’ve been wearing them for the past four years.

When I first learned I’d need contacts I was understandably bummed. I HATE touching my eyeballs! The thought of having to do so twice each day bothered me greatly.

Then my doctor told me about these newfangled lenses that could be left in for an entire month, day and night! I’d only have to touch my eyeballs once a month. They cost more than the cheesy, plastic discs from previous decades, but (he said) they were super-comfortable and didn’t require daily changing. I was sold.

I ordered a couple boxes and never looked back.

That was four years ago. At first, I took them out every couple weeks, just to give my eyes a “rest.” Didn’t need to (or so I thought), but I figured why chance it. But because I’m lazy and unorganized, that two weeks turned into three, then four. And finally, five or sometimes even six.

The last pair I left in for two entire months. Yeah, my eyes became irritated and red, but I was busy, all right? OK, lazy.

And now, last week, my new eye doctor tells me that, yes, you can, technically, wear the contacts non-stop for a month, but you shouldn’t. In fact, if you do, you can develop scar tissue on the part of your eyeball you use to see with. I haven’t. Yet. But, according to the doc, I would have.

No more girls on the beach. No more “Breaking Bad.” That could have been my future. So now I’m removing them every night. I hate it. I hate it a lot. But, man, we’re talking girls on the beach here.

MTaylor325@gmail.com

(616) 730-1414