The time of the ‘dad bod’ has arrived at last

If I can live long enough, there’s a good chance I’ll eventually make the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

I’d be lying if I said this has always been a dream of mine, but I’ve lied before and I’ll probably lie again, so here we go: It’s always been a dream of mine.

I’m basing the odds of me gracing the cover dressed in nothing but a dental floss bikini on a couple factors. The first is, women no longer seem to feel shame at the prospect of ogling a studly guy. (Whether this is a bad or good thing is strictly a matter of conjecture and not a race in which I have a horse.) But I figure it’s only a matter of time before Sports Illustrated offers an issue just for the ladies.

The second factor is that the definition of “studly” is rapidly changing.

Women’s Health magazine recently reported on a survey run by Planet Fitness, the health club. That survey asked women which type of male body they find most attractive.

Now, if you’re thinking all the gals said that what gets their motors running is Brad Pitt in “Thelma and Louise,” you’d be wrong. Likewise, Arnold the Governator in his prime received virtually zero votes.

So, what body type DO women pine for during those long, lonely winter nights when the wind’s howling outside and the double bed seems much too large for a single person? Well, a “dad bod,” that’s what.

Yup, according to the survey, women prefer a keg to a six-pack. I swear I’m not making this up. That extra 20 pounds of spare tire, beer storage tank, ring-around-the-middle wonder gut is just the thing to be lugging around if you’re a fella looking for romance.

This is great news for 37 percent of American males between the ages of 20-to-54, because a dad bod is what they’ve got. About half the women surveyed called the dad bod “the new six-pack.” And 78 percent said they prefer a dad bod to the 0 percent body fat guys who struggle with decisions like whether to nibble kale or lettuce with their room temperature mineral water.

So, with this news in hand, why haven’t the Sports Illustrated people been returning my phone calls? Well, in fairness to the editors, I’ll admit my “dad bod” days are probably behind me. My present-day physique could more accurately be described as a “grandad bod.” Like the dad bod, except more of it.

Still, it’s just a matter of time. The winds of change are blowing, baby, mostly toward the parts of town with restaurants serving burritos and deep-fried clams.

I figure in a few years women will have grown tired of the dad bod phenomenon. That extra 20 pounds of spare tire will no longer be enough to satisfy their carnal proclivities; they’ll need more.

And I will be there waiting, my hour come ‘round at last. I will proudly doff my t-shirt and cargo shorts, revealing what can best be described as a lumpy, farmer-tanned expanse of furry flesh.

Sounds gross, I know. And until recently, I thought it probably was gross. But 78 percent of American women can’t be wrong, and even if they were, they’d never admit it.

The Lovely Mrs. Taylor tells me she likes my bod just fine. I’ve always assumed she was lying. In light of this survey, however, I’m no longer so sure. Maybe I’m not as Quasimodo-esque as I thought I was.

Regardless, I plan to do a little swimsuit shopping this weekend. Do they still make Speedos?

MTaylor325@gmail.com

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