There are some phone conversations I
just want to avoid. I’m generally a convivial person. I enjoy the company of
others and live for the free exchange of ideas. But let’s be real, some people
are just … boring.
Even people who generally aren’t boring can seem that way on the
telephone. I think it’s one of the reasons texting has become so popular; you’re
forced to sum things up in a few sentences. There’s not all the messing about
with “So, how have you been?” and “Are Sally and the kids doing well?” and “Did
you hear there are missiles headed for Hawaii?”
With texting, you’re in and out of the
conversation in a hurry and can get on with the important stuff, like marathon
Facebook sessions and watching paint peel from the wall behind the radiator.
My daughter, Aubreii, feels the same
way. We text each other almost daily, but a phone call between us requires more
planning than goes into most Royal weddings.
There are the obligatory “Are you free
to talk later today?” texts. Once a time is set, a second text is required just
prior to dialing the phone (not that anyone “dials” anymore, but you know what
I mean). That’s the “Is now OK?” text.
Finally, we’re talking, live, on the
phone. It’s gotten so it feels like a big deal; like back in the days of long-distance
charges and “formal” first of the month calls to Grandma’s house in Indianapolis,
circa 1965. Each kid was allowed 20 seconds – which my father timed with a
stopwatch – with Grandma.
I’m sure my grandmother considered the
time limit a blessing. What adult really wants
to talk with five dopey kids?
But like I said, most phone calls – even
those not initiated by children – are boring. Which is why I’m nervous about the
Petcube. The Petcube is a device that (and I swear I’m not making this up) allows
your pet to call you. You read that
right: Fido can now dial you up from home, just to say “woof.”
Now, I’m a true animal lover. At present
I have no dog, but I do have eight cats, seven chickens and a hermit crab. I
like them all, but I do not want to be fielding calls from them when I’m away
from home.
Frankly, I just don’t care how their day is going. As long as
they’re fed, watered and not dead, I don’t need regular feline/poultry/crustacean
updates from the home front.
Why? Well, first off, most animals are even
more boring than their human counterparts. My cats do nothing but sleep, eat
and eviscerate small animals. What are they going to say on the phone that can’t
wait until I get home and find the decapitated mole on the back porch?
And the chickens, by comparison, make
the cats look like the love children of Garrison Keeler and Mark Twain. A
chicken’s whole purpose in life, far as I’ve been able to ascertain, is to eat,
leave messes on the lawn furniture, and (fortunately for them) create eggs.
They are neither bright nor interesting animals and I feel no need to check up
on them when I’m out to dinner – or to have them
check up on me.
Far as the hermit crab is concerned, I’m
not even sure she’s still alive. She hasn’t moved in three weeks. Fortunately,
death alters a hermit crab’s demeanor only slightly; a dead one is as good a
pet as a live one. But again, no phone call needed.
The Petcube provides not only voice
interaction, but video as well. Basically, your pooch stands in front of the
device and it sends a message to your smart watch or phone. At this point you
push a button and – shazam! – you’re enjoying long-distance facetime with
Lassie.
Think your pet wouldn’t be interested in
speaking with you? Think again. The Petcube lets you remotely dispense food for
your dog or play laser tag with your cat. I have no doubt my cats would be “calling”
me 10 to 15 times an hour, just for the pleasure of chasing the Red Dot.
But here’s the worst of it: Petcube also
allows for the automatic posting and live-streaming of your human/critter interactions
on social media. How long will it be before we’re all drowning in “Who’s a good
boy? Who is? You are” Facebook videos?
It’s all too horrible to contemplate.
I have no idea what a Petcube will set
you back, but I’m hoping they’re prohibitively expensive. I have an old iPhone
around here somewhere. I think I’ll just switch it on and leave it in the
living room. If the cats or chickens can figure out how to use it, then I’ll know they really have
something important to discuss.
If not? Let ‘em communicate by leaving
dead animals on the back porch, the way nature intended.
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