Have grandchildren, will travel

Aaaahh. That’s better. The house is empty, quiet, clean.

My daughter and two of my younger grand-monsters left an hour ago, following an impromptu weekend visit. It’s not beach weather yet, so we spent most of the time – other than a couple “nature hikes” – indoors.

Ari and Juniper are 4 and 2, respectively, and despite being preternaturally cute, they’re essentially rabid chimpanzees hopped up on powerful amphetamines. That doesn’t mean I don’t love them, I do, but there are moments I’d happily abandon them both in the middle of the Gobi Desert with a canteen full of cold water and instructions to get in touch once they graduate college.

The crazy thing is, ten minutes after Aubreii’s soccer mom van pulls out of sight at the end of the visit, I start missing them.

They’re gone now, back to Detroit. I won’t see them again for three or four weeks. I’m not worried; summer’s coming and I live in a lakeside cottage. They’ll be back. It’s both the curse and blessing of having a place on the lake.

But if I’m to be completely honest (which I am, once in a great while), I admit it’s mostly blessing. I’m crazy about my kids, grand-kids, even a couple of my ex-wives. Sure, they blow in like Hurricane Katrina and for a few days my generally placid home is transformed into a combination jungle Jim/Indianapolis 500 racetrack.

Then they leave and I restart the process of waiting to see them again.

In the sudden silence following the kids’ most recent departure, I got thinking how lucky I am, to have close family. This in turn got me thinking about guys my age who don’t have big families. They never know the joys and tribulations of extended grandchild incursions.

It’s an experience everyone should have, at least a few times in life. Which is why I’m starting a new service designed to help family-deprived older folks get in on the fun.

I’m thinking of calling it “The Grandchild Experience” or “Toddlers by the Day.” Something like that.

Now, I realize there are probably child labor laws that would prevent me from putting any of these three-foot-tall slackers to work in anything resembling a real job. So, I’m a bit limited there.

But I figure I can provide almost all the experience of having grand-kids over without the bother of finding (and possibly having to pay) actual children.

It would work like this. For a reasonable fee (I’m thinking around $299.95), my crew (“Team Todder” or something like that) would come to your house and set up an elaborate system of hidden speakers. Once in place, I’d begin streaming audio over this home-wide audio setup. This would be completely controlled by me; there would be no “mute” or “volume down” buttons available to the homeowner.

For three days, I would broadcast, at top volume, the fingernails-on-chalkboard voices of kids demanding drinks of water, Popsicles, more pancakes, and access to various tablets, cell phones and TV remotes. No matter how many times the faux-grandparent yells no, the demands would continue. Interspersed with these requests would be frequent screams of pain, rage, or simple discontent.

The front and back doors of the home would be fitted with a device that holds the door half-way open at least 20 minutes out of every hour to allow heat out and cold, flies and mosquitoes in.

The Deluxe Package ($399.99, plus 10-percent for holiday weekends) would include the following authentic grandchildren details:

- A minimum of 20 square feet of sidewalk covered with chalk.

- Four different colors of Play-Doh, squished into the carpet.

- 63 Crayola crayons, secreted at strategic locations throughout the house, mostly under furniture.

- Red Kool-Aid stains on any light-colored fabrics, including dry-clean only down comforters.

- Roughly 3 pounds of beach sand, pine needles and miscellaneous detritus spread across every flat surface.

- Individual room “fresheners” scented like overdue diapers.

Those willing to spring for the Super-Special-Deluxe package ($550.00) could also look forward to at least one broken lamp and two missing TV remotes.

With summer coming, my schedule is bound to fill up quickly! Get your reservations in now and enjoy that Grandchild Experience for yourself!