Coronavirus, the musical

The world is about to get a whole lot more musical, thanks to the only thing most people are talking about these days: the coronavirus.

In last week’s column, I wrote about an unfortunate bit of knowledge I possess: that singing the first verse of “Yankee Doodle Dandy” exactly corresponds to the 20 seconds it takes to wash your hands well enough to avoid contracting the disease du jour.

That’s a fact I’ve known for years, long before the latest outbreak sent the world’s population into a mad rush to acquire bulk packs of toilet paper. And as I mentioned last week, the song is contributing to my slow decline into madness. One can sing “Yankee Doodle Dandy” only so many times before one snaps one’s cap.

What with the current CDC advice that I wash my hands about a million times a day … well, let’s just say “Yankee Doodle Dandy” is wearing really thin.

Fortunately, Daily News readers came to my rescue big time! That column struck a chord with readers, many of whom have been having their own musical meltdowns over this recent hand-washing fanaticism.

Elaine P., for instance, has her own musical cross to bear, thanks to her grandchildren. They informed her that “Happy Birthday” (twice) also is the perfect hand-washing tune; just about 20 seconds if sung the way most people sing it at Chuck E. Cheese.

“I go crazy every time singing that tune,” Elaine wrote. Who can blame her? “Happy Birthday” is the only song in the world more annoying than “Yankee Doodle.”

Fellow Daily News columnist and researcher extraordinaire Sandy Main sent me a link to a list of 10 songs (or parts of them) that also work. The chorus to Prince’s “Raspberry Beret,” for instance: “She wore a raspberry beret / The kind you find in a secondhand store / Raspberry beret / And if it was warm she wouldn’t wear much more / Raspberry beret / I think I love her.”

I’m a Prince fan, but not where that song’s concerned. Just never liked it. So I won’t be picking that one; it would make me just as crazy as you-know-what-song is making me now.

Dolly Parton’s “Jolene” also fits. However, were I to get caught singing the chorus in some biker bar somewhere, the results might be worse than the virus: “Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene / I’m begging of you please don’t take my man / Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene / Please don’t take him just because you can.” Hard for a straight guy to feel manly when he’s begging someone not to take his man. Just sayin’.

Then there’s Stevie Nick’s “Landslide”: “Well, I’ve been afraid of changin’ / ‘Cause I’ve built my life around you / But time makes you bolder / Even children get older / And I’m gettin’ older too.”

The problem with that one is it reminds me I’m not only getting older, I have arrived at that particular station and am therefore more susceptible to the coronavirus’ more deleterious effects. Who needs to thump that point home? Not me.

One I really DO like is from Natasha Bedingfield, called “Unwritten.” It goes: “Feel the rain on your skin / No one else can feel it for you / Only you can let it in / No one else, no one else / Can speak the words on your lips / Drench yourself in words unspoken / Live your life with arms wide open / Today is where your book begins / The rest is still unwritten.”

I like that one for several reasons. It seems hopeful and implies I’m probably going to live through this virus thing. Also, it has the words “rain” and “drench” in it, which fits with the hand-washing theme.

Unfortunately, I have no idea who Natasha Bedingfield is or what the tune to her song might be. One of the curses of getting old is you no longer give a rat’s patootie about “current” music. (If Bedingfield isn’t considered current, please don’t tell me; it’ll only make me feel older still.)

Other readers sent in their own ideas: “Karma Chameleon” by Boy George (another one to avoid singing in biker bars, along with “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me.”) The chorus to “Old Time Rock & Roll” also works, but I’ve been playing that song for 40 years in my own bar band and would rather inhale the virus through a used plastic straw than sing that turkey for free.

At any rate, I’m thinking of combining all these great hand-washing tunes into a Broadway Musical. Look for the film version, “Keepin’ Kleen,” coming to a theater near you this October. Assuming civilization hasn’t crumbled by then.