My plan for fixing the universe through ‘snow atheism’

There is a school of philosophical thought that contends things exist only because we think they exist. The universe, socks, Silly Putty, reruns of “Murder, She Wrote”—they’re all merely constructs created by the human mind to give meaning and form to existence. Or so say proponents of this philosophy.

Some go so far as to say everything that is, is merely the invention of a single mind. You, me, the guy who delivers pizza—we’re nothing but players in someone’s extended daydream.

Could be. All I know is, I don’t feel like someone else’s daydream. To quote Descartes, Cogito, ergo sum (I think, therefore I am). I looked the Latin translation up on Wikipedia, by the way, so I’d look smarter than I really am.

Not that I should care whether I look smart, since: a) I think; b) I must therefore be; and c) it stands to reason that I must be the one having the daydream that created and sustains the universe.

At this point, I’d like to note I’m not the one who came up with this line of thinking—unless of course it’s accurate, in which case I came up with everything, including Descartes and Latin. So why did I have to check Wikipedia for the translation? I wish I could tell you, but thinking about it beyond this point makes my head hurt.

At any rate, I’ve decided to roll with this philosophy. Why? Because of snow.

I walked the dog late last night and got snowed upon, mightily. By the time I arrived home from the park, I looked like the “Bumble,” from the Rudolph Christmas special.

I’m no fan of snow, but for most of my life I’ve put up with it. Well, those days are over. If my new philosophy is accurate, all I have to do is “imagine” it away. If I think it’s gone, it will be.

Snow? Never heard of it. I’m a snow atheist.

I think this might actually work. After all, this will not be the first time I’ve tried to change the universe through sheer force of will.

I did it once in 1970, while in Mr. Paepke’s algebra for dummies class at Riverside Junior High. At some point in the second semester, I decided to become a math atheist. I simply decided math did not exist. This explained my poor test scores, lack of interest, and notes home to my folks.

My old man, who did not share my philosophical bent, was unimpressed with my efforts to reshape existence and insisted I get a passing grade or risk “serious consequences.” I tried to will him into an alternate reality, but I was young then, and my powers had yet to reach their full potential.

Mr. Paepke eventually passed me with a D and that was the last I saw of math. I had finally imagined it out of existence. These days, I balance my checkbook using a system of guesswork, a rattle and chickens sacrificed by the light of a full moon. It works most of the time.

But back to the snow. At the moment, there’s about an inch of it on the ground outside my office window. I’m about to stop believing in it, so prepare yourself for its sudden and unexplained disappearance.

Here we go … five, four, three, two, one … think!

Lemme check.

OK, this could take a little longer than I thought. But I’ll keep on it. I’m sure by April, May at the latest; the last of that snow will be gone!


More “Reality Check” online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.milive.com. E-mail Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.