Top Five list of things nobody wants for Christmas

A sure sign that Christmas is coming; ads for electric hot dog bun warmers have started to appear in newspaper circulars.

Soon, superstore shelves across America will overflow with this sort of stuff; retail detritus that finds it’s way out of the warehouse but once a year—during the holiday shopping season. Why only then? Because nobody, but nobody, would ever buy this junk for themselves.

These are “gift items,” purchased for people you either don’t know or don’t like and we all give or receive at least a couple of them every year.

They are generally inexpensive, inoffensive and useless—everything you’re looking for in a “Secret Santa” present for the boss’ nephew down in payroll.

I’m not trying to Scrooge out here, folks, but really, isn’t it time we put an end to this madness? Retailers will hate me, but I’m going to take a stand here. Who knows, it might be the start of something big. Vive la revolution!

That said, here’s a list of things I do not want for Christmas. Seriously, if you were thinking of getting me one of the following items, make a donation to the Santa Claus Girls or some other charity instead. They could use the cash and come Christmas morning, I won’t have to feign excitement over an electric hot dog bun warmer.

At any rate, here’s my Top Five:

1) The bun warmer, or any electric appliance that takes up an acre of counter space and performs the exact same job as my microwave or stovetop, only more slowly and inefficiently.

2) A travel grooming kit. When on the road, I will not need to trim my nose hairs, perform a self-manicure, or grind calluses from the bottoms of my feet. If I think I might actually want to do these things while traveling, I’ll take along the proper tools for the job, which I already have in my medicine cabinet.

3) A funny calendar. Yeah, I like Dilbert, too, but I have calendars on my laptop, PDA and cell phone. I’m not going to use a little pad of tear-off sheets to keep track of my appointments. I’ll read the first three cartoons, and then the thing will sit like a brick on my desk until 2014, at which point The Lovely Mrs. Taylor will finally throw it out.

4) Cheap, battery operated LCD “video games.” If it costs less than a Gameboy, it’s junk. Nobody wants these, do you hear me? Nobody! Stop buying them and maybe they’ll go away.

5) Kinetic “sculptures.” I’m talking about water-filled glass birds that “drink” ceaselessly, metal balls that clack back and forth, bubbles that rise and fall through a plastic tube … these are all fun for about 20 seconds, and then they just gather dust until Mrs. T’s garage sale in June.

That’s my Top Five list of things nobody wants; heaven knows there are plenty more where these came from.

So this year, folks, let’s all stick it to the man and refuse to buy, give, or receive junk gifts. Give a homemade card, instead, or a batch of oatmeal cookies. Or put the money toward that Santa Claus Girls or Salvation Army donation.

And remember, nobody, in the history of the world, has ever needed or wanted a hot dog bun warmer.


More “Reality Check” online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.milive.com. E-mail Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.