Is there anything but socks that a modern cell phone can’t do?

I broke down and picked out a new cell phone the other day. My contract was up and in order to keep me locked in like a 1950s housewife, the phone company offered to give me a way cool phone at a low, low price (after mail-in rebate, of course).

The phone is one of those touch-screen jobs, with only a couple “real” buttons on it. Lacking the usual bevy of buttons, the phone looks deceptively simple to operate. I like simple.

The girls at the phone store, Kimmi and Monique, both use the same model and raved about it at length.

“It can do anything,” Monique enthused.

“You can go on the Internet, get your email, and even watch TV!” Kimmi said.

“It will do everything but wash your socks!” Monique added.

“Do you have one that will wash my socks?” I asked. Since the departure of the Former Lovely Mrs. Taylor I’ve discovered that laundry is not as much fun as it at first appears. A phone that would wash my socks would be a welcome addition to my collection of consumer electronics.

They do not, it turns out, make a sock-washing phone.

But considering all the other stuff the SUHX-500* can do, I was willing to continue doing my own laundry, at least until I can find a new Mrs. Taylor.

“I’ll take it,” I said.

Monique proceeded to go online to set the phone up with my existing service. Because the SUHX-500 can do so many wonderful things, setting it up took a loooooooong time. I perused other cell phone models, accessories and the dozen or so informational pamphlets lying around the store. My beard grew longer. The sun passed across the sky a few times. Summer turned to autumn, autumn to winter. (In other words, time passed.)

Finally Monique returned with my new phone, all charged up and ready to make my first call, which I tried to do as soon as I got to the truck. Turns out that – because the SUHX-500 can do so many things – I now have to navigate through a series of menus just to get to the on-screen, virtual “dialer,” then I punch in the appropriate ten digits, then press “send,” then press “yes” when my SUHX-500 asks me if I’m sure I want to make a call. I went through the menus. I opened the dialer. I punched in the appropriate ten digit number. I hit send. So, yes you stupid phone, I am sure I want to make the call.

Sorry, I’m ranting.

I grew up in an era when the family phone (there was only one) was leased from Ma Bell (look it up in the history books, junior) and it did one thing – make phone calls. It was heavy, built like a tank, and almost as attractive.

You couldn’t use it to watch TV, surf the Web (which Al Gore had yet to “invent”), or listen to digital music files.

But it never, ever asked if I was sure I wanted to make a call.

Our gizmos and gadgets get smarter every day, while we poor humans remain about the same. I saw those “Terminator” movies; I have a feeling this is all going to end badly.

* Not the phone’s real model number. If they want free advertising here, they can pay me up front and I’ll give them a rebate form good for 10 percent back.