Remember that “Hints from Heloise” column that used to appear in every other paper in
“Hints from Heloise” was – or maybe still is, I don’t know – a column straight out of the 1950s, when wives stayed home and toiled in the domestic vineyard while their husbands left each morning for the office, plant or factory. It was – or is (I guess I should check … yup, still appearing in papers; thank you Google) – a column dedicated to sharing house cleaning tips with the remaining few stay-at-home moms and wives across
I was a single parent during much of the time my kids were growing up. As such, I felt it was OK for me to read Heloise. After all, I too had grass stains to get out of my son’s blue jeans, and was just as responsible as any mom for providing the weekly snack for my daughter’s T-ball team.
On more than one occasion, Heloise was a life saver. But ultimately, her column is geared toward women.
And that’s given me an idea. As a newly-singled guy, I’ve been re-learning the ins and outs of maintaining a reasonably clean home. The kids are long gone, but I’m a big enough slob to make up for that. Still, my home is clean.
Why? Because – one chore at a time – I’m coming up with inventive “man tricks” for keeping the place off the Health Department’s most wanted list. I’m thinking I could share those tips here and maybe get as rich and famous as Heloise in the process.
Me getting rich and famous would make three out of four of my ex-wives completely nuts, so I have more motivation than I really need.
At any rate, let me try a few of ‘em out on you here. Tell me what you think.
LAUNDRY: Women (including Heloise) insist on separating whites from darks. This is not necessary. Instead, just dump all the laundry into one big machine, add the detergent, then add some salt; regular table salt works just fine. I don’t know why, but the colors don’t bleed over into the whites. OK, maybe they still bleed a little, but not enough to bother most guys.
But do try to avoid mixing red sweaters and white jockey shorts, unless you want guys wondering about your pink underwear when you go to the gym.
VACCUMING: For the first few weeks after my most recent wife exited, I had no vacuum cleaner; she took it with her, along with the dog, cat and good dishes. Fortunately, she left the leaf blower.
An electric one works best, unless you don’t mind your whole house smelling like leaf blower exhaust. Start by opening the front door, then take the leaf blower to the opposite end of the house, switch it on, and watch the dust fly!
DUSTING: OK, after you’ve vacuumed with the leaf blower there’s bound to be dust settling on pretty much every flat surface in your home. No problem; just take the leaf blower to the back of the house again and repeat the process, this time blowing off the tops of tables, counters and so on.
It’s a good idea to toss any loose knick knacks and bric-a-brac into a box or something before you begin, depending on the power of your leaf blower. But hey, you’re a guy. You shouldn’t have knick knacks or bric-a-brac (whatever that is) sitting around your house anyway.
Any large objects (like empty beer cans) accidentally blown into the front yard will likely be collected by neighbor kids. That’s like getting free trash pickup! Another bonus!
Using my “man tips” a single guy can have his house clean and ready for Saturday “date night” in less than an hour.
And that’s my first “Man Hints from Mike” column, sure to be picked up for syndication any day now. I can’t wait until I’m rich and famous. I’ll be able to hire someone to clean this dump.
Missed a week? More “Reality Check” online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.milive.com. E-mail Mike Taylor at
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