It’s hard to be mysterious when your whole life is online

I’ve found someone.

There, I said it and I’m not sorry.

As many of you regular readers already know, I’ve been wife-less for just under a year now. The past ten months have been one long series of failed dates, flirtations, brief romances, and disastrous relationship maneuverings that I hope to never live through again.

Though my column during this time has occasionally veered into Carrie Bradshaw territory (the fictional columnist portrayed by Sarah Jessica Parker on “Sex in the City”), I am not an expert in relationships. In fact, when it comes to relationships, I am an idiot. Yes, I’m also an idiot about other things but we’re talking relationships here.

I can’t “read” women. I like them, but don’t understand them. Any man who thinks he does is an even bigger idiot than me, and that’s saying a lot.

So I’m glad to have found someone. Real glad. Even though she’s the sort of woman I understand least—intelligent, self-possessed, determined, confident, patient, beautiful … I could go on listing her attributes, which are legion, forever, but some of you would no doubt begin to feel a little nauseous. Sorry, new love makes people mushy and a bit tedious, except to each other. I’ll try to dial it back a notch so you won’t be tempted to toss your cookies here.

I’ve put off writing about her because to do so somehow makes the whole relationship “official,” at least in my mind. Once I share something with millions of readers (well, thousands, at least…maybe hundreds…OK, you 23 folks know who you are) it’s hard to turn back. If it doesn’t work out between us now, I’ll look like a fool, and not for the first time.

But it is going to work out. I love her, she loves me. I like her dad, I like her kids, I like her grandkids. I wish she had a better car, but true love rarely comes that neatly packaged.

In the time we’ve spent together, we’ve learned a lot about each other; favorite movies, religious preferences (both Catholic—whew!), favorite authors, shoe sizes, most embarrassing moments, and so on. I’ve found out quite a bit about her, and that’s good.

What’s bad is what she has found out about me. See, my life, for the past 20 years or so, has been chronicled in these columns, most of which are available online at various locations, like http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.mlive.com.

Over the years, I’ve written about my failed marriages, my inability to perform household repairs without incurring major injury, my inept management of financial affairs…every flaw I have is right there for anyone to see! And see she has.

I’m guessing it took her awhile to read through all those old columns, but she is nothing if not meticulous and systematic. Thanks to my online history, I have virtually no secrets from this woman!

You can imagine the disadvantage this puts me at. I would love to embellish my past in an effort to make myself sound better and more attractive than I really am, but nooooo, all she has to do is click that mouse and the truth is right there in black and white.

One keyword search for “love”, “marriage”, or “beer” and she knows more about me than I want her to.

It’s too late to change the past. But, just in case she stumbles on this column, I’d like to state for the record that I am an ex-astronaut who left NASA because the constant shuttle missions were taking too much time away from the management of my multi-million dollar estate and all the work I do with the homeless, orphans and abandoned puppies.

Honest.

More Reality Check online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.mlive.com. Email Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com. Fun LOCAL events covered by Mike Taylor online HERE!