Maybe I can get Tiger’s ghost writer to help with my new book

I am so glad Susan Sarandan and Tim Robbins broke up. I know, they seemed like a nice couple and have been married a long time. And divorce – brother do I know it – is not a pretty thing.

But their Hollywood split has served a larger purpose; namely, it has briefly focused media attention away from Tiger Woods. That can only be seen as a good thing.

For weeks, the little news ticker running down the right side of my laptop’s screen has served up story after story about Mr. Woods’ latest dalliance. For some reason, “news” folks just can’t seem to get enough of heavily-augmented girls “coming clean” over their brief, torrid affairs with the famous duffer.

When did golf get sexy, anyway? Wait a minute; I think I can answer that one myself – when golfers started earning millions, right?

Anyway, the news (and I use that term ever so loosely) just wouldn’t let up about it. One show actually interviewed the mother of one of the girls with whom Tiger allegedly shared a Motel 6 evening. I’m guessing the network gave mom a couple hundred bucks as compensation for divulging the intimate details of her daughter’s life.

It does my heart good to see a family working together like that.

The upshot of all this is that people who had no interest in Tiger Woods the golfer have developed all kinds of interest in Tiger Woods the philanderer. He’s more famous than ever. If he decides to write a memoir detailing his experiences in the bedroom, he’ll be richer than ever.

And that, dear reader, gave me an idea. Like the Grinch’s plan to steal Christmas, it’s an awful idea, a wonderful awful idea! (It’s possible the idea formed because my shoes were too tight, or it could be that my head wasn’t screwed on just right. But I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that my wallet was two sizes too small.)

In an effort to remedy this diminutive wallet situation, I plan to announce to all the residents of Whoville that I have, in fact, had numerous affairs in the past five years.

I haven’t, but I plan to say that I have.

I intend to pay several cocktail waitresses, flight attendants and elderly Walmart greeters to claim they joined me in seedy, illicit trysts. Sure, it’s going to cost me plenty to convince these nice ladies to lie, but I’ll make that money up a hundred times over after my first appearance on Oprah.

After I’m absolutely sure everyone in America has heard about my nefarious liaisons, I’ll hold a press conference and tearfully declare how sorry I am. I also will use this moment to announce the publication of my upcoming book, “I Am So Sorry, America!” soon to be a major motion picture starring Jack Nicholson as Mike Taylor. Also starring Heather Graham, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Natalie Portman and Susan Sarandon as the accommodating Walmart greeter. (I intend to hang around the set a lot during filming.)

I realize it’s going to take me a bit longer than it did Tiger to generate the media attention necessary to pull this off. After all, he’s Tiger Woods, I’m nobody. But I went golfing with my son four or five times this past summer and I’m getting pretty good. All I have to do is win a couple PGA tours. How hard can it be?

Watch for me on Oprah.

More Reality Check online at http://mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com or www.mlive.com. Email Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.