I think it’s possible I’ve finally found my calling. This writing thing is OK, but it doesn’t really provide for me the life of luxury to which I would dearly love to become accustomed.
In short: I need more money.
Fortunately, there are people in the world who have too much of it; my plan is to take theirs. Not all of it, just enough to make me (and them) happy.
How can taking other people’s money make them happy? I have no idea, but according to an article I read a few days ago, it would.
The article — which was either from a reputable scientific journal or just something somebody made up on Facebook; I don’t remember — said that people who have just enough money to live comfortably are actually happier than are folks who have too much. Now, personally, I would have thought it impossible to have “too much” money, but then again, I’ve never really had “nearly enough,” so what do I know?
On this matter, I’ve decided to trust the experts (or the guy who may or may not have made the whole thing up on Facebook, whichever). I guess I should stick with the “experts” story, since this notion will form the basis of my business plan.
It’ll work like this: If you’re one of the unfortunate few who can’t sit comfortably because all your pockets are stuffed with hundred dollar bills; if it has been years since you really enjoyed rolling around like Scrooge McDuck in the piles of cash you keep in your vault; if the thrill of crashing your brand new Rolls and not caring has worn off; then here’s my card, buddy. I’ll take it from here.
For a small fee, my team of crack accountants — or my Uncle Al, depending on who’s available — will carefully go over your finances. Any money you have that we determine to be “too much” will be transferred to a safe offshore account (of mine) in the Cayman Islands. What’s left will be just enough to make you happy. If it’s not, I’ll return your money at the rate of five bucks per week until you’re happy again. It could take a while, but according to my old man, this sort of thing builds character.
I’ll be taking out ads in Forbes and the Wall Street Journal. I suspect my first clients will be people like Paris Hilton and those Kardashian clowns, since they seem to have exactly what I’m looking for: lots and lots of money, coupled with a marked lack of intelligence. But once my idea catches on, the sky’s the limit!
Sure, Bill Gates is probably too smart to fall for … I mean, take advantage of my fabulous offer, but I’ll bet there are plenty of “old money” suckers … I mean, potential clients out there looking for new and exciting ways to deplete their riches.
Some cynics might call my service a scam, but it’s not! I’m not in this for the easy money folks, honest. It’s just that it breaks my heart to think of all those filthy rich country-clubbers going through life less happy than they deserve to be. In fact, when you think about it, I’m performing a public service here. It’s a humanitarian relief effort, in a way.
Maybe I can register as a charitable organization.
More Reality Check online at mtrealitycheck.blogspot.com. Email Mike Taylor at mtaylor325@gmail.com.
No comments:
Post a Comment