As regular readers of this column already know, I am always looking for ways to make an easy buck. So far, writing has proven the most lucrative means of feeding myself without actually doing anything constructive or meaningful, but sometimes — not often, but sometimes — it feels like real work.
I do not like real work.
Which is why I was so excited last week to read an article about a new business opportunity in Madison, Wisconsin: a “Snuggle House.” The Snuggle House is (and I swear I’m not making this up) a hotel that provides pajama-clad bedmates who — for a price, of course — will spend the night snuggling with you.
The difference between “cuddleries” and the world’s oldest profession is there’s no sex involved, or even foreplay. In fact, even suggestive chatter is discouraged. Basically, it’s a lot like being married to my first wife, but probably less expensive in the long run.
So far, The Snuggle House remains in the planning stages only, in part because the Madison assistant city attorney has his doubts as to whether two strangers can honestly be expected to cuddle all night without falling victim to the same temptation that has ensnared humanity since Adam and Eve were evicted from the Garden of Eden.
The Snuggle House owner, Matthew Hurtado, points to similar, thriving cuddleries in New York, Colorado and (of course) San Francisco. At present, Hurtado and the city attorney are trying to hammer out official regulations that will somehow prevent “naughtiness” on the parts of either guests or their designated snugglers.
Now, I’ve been married repeatedly, so I’m familiar with the notion of a whoopie-free boudoir. Frankly, it’s not something I would pay good money to experience again.
But that’s just me; according to Hurtado, these places turn big bucks in the cities in which they currently operate. People, as Jim Morrison once noted, are strange.
Of course, folks are a little more conservative around these parts and any attempt to open a cuddlery of my own would no doubt be met with stiff resistance. But I’m hoping the basic concept behind it (essentially, charging people big bucks for nothing) might translate to other areas.
With that in mind, I’d like to announce the grand opening of Mike Taylor’s new “Eatlery.” For the price of a steak dinner at a regular, old-fashioned restaurant, The Eatlery’s maître d’ will seat you in our luxury, private non-dining room. The wine steward will bring you a glass of our finest house cabernet, which you will be permitted to look at, but not drink. A seven course meal will follow; you will be allowed to smell each course, but eat nothing.
Sure, you’ll be tempted, but should you succumb, you’ll find all the cutlery has been SuperGlue’d to the table top and the food itself is nothing but realistic, plaster models salvaged from an out-of-business real estate company.
If my Eatlery works out the way I assume it will, I also plan to open The Shoelery (where you get to try on and pay for new shoes, but not take them home with you) and The Hairlery (where we tousle your hair but do not cut it).
Of course, all this is leading up my chain of financial institutions — The Banklery International. You’ll be able to make all the deposits you like, but no withdrawals.
For my money (and your money, which soon will be mine) all of these ideas make just as much sense as The Snuggle House. I’m currently seeking investors; if you want to get in on the ground floor, just send a check or money order to me, care of this newspaper.
I’ll be in touch. Honest.
mtaylor@staffordgroup.com (616) 548-8273
No comments:
Post a Comment