If it’s shape up or ship out, I’m looking for the ship

I’m thinking about running a 5K race. That’s right, fat people can run, we just do it more slowly than skinny people. And usually only if there are donuts waiting at the finish line.

Oh, I don’t plan to run in any organized event or anything like that. I try to avoid organized activities whenever possible.

Last time I joined an organization, they cut off all my hair and put a rifle in my hand. That wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped it would be and I’ve sort of soured on organized activities ever since.

The kind of 5K race I’m talking about would involve only one participant: me. It would not be a fierce competition because the only participant (me, again) is not fiercely competitive.

Basically, if I make it to the end of the 5K without dying, I’ll consider the whole business a job well done.

I don’t want to run a 5K. Hell, I don’t want to run a 1K, or even half a K. What I WANT to do is drive to Germaine’s, waddle from my car to my usual seat in the corner and order a chicken burrito and several large beers. 

But that’s what I’ve been doing three days a week since last September, and frankly, that workout regimen is not giving me the buff, Brad Pitt-in-his-prime physique I was hoping for.

It was OK during the winter months, when I could camouflage at least some of the blubbage with Bill Cosby sweaters and a goose down coat. But summer’s coming. My current body is built for a life lived on an arctic ice floe. Like a manatee, I have developed a layer of protective blubber that would keep me warm were I lying naked on a slab of permafrost.

That’s not going to be much of an advantage at the beach in August. It’s not that I’m worried about impressing beach bunnies; that ship has sailed. I just don’t want to frighten young children. “Mommy, mommy, the beached whale is still breathing!!”

Also, it would be nice to be able to fit into last summer’s wardrobe (three Hawaiian shirts and some khaki shorts). These still fit me, but only if I don’t bend over, move my arms or inhale. If I do, seams start popping.

So later today I begin training for my 5K. I’ve purchased new sneakers, downloaded a training app (there’s an app for everything), and dug my old sweats out of the back of the closet.

I’m stoked. Before I get started, though, maybe I’d better plan my workout strategy. Over dinner and a couple beers.

mtaylor@staffordgroup.com

(616) 548-8273