How do you get to Carnegie Hall?
Buy an old computer. Preferably one running Windows 2.0, or even DOS. Then try to edit a bunch of large digital files.
Before you know it, you’ll be awash in applause from an appreciative, cosmopolitan audience, one that has just paid big bucks to hear you perform on piano, French horn, or maybe tuba.
The system is so foolproof I’m thinking of marketing it on late-night television. “Mike Taylor’s Road to Musical Greatness Program,” or something like that.
And it really, really works!
Yes, but HOW does it work? you ask. I can see you’re a shrewd consumer, one not likely to part with his hard-earned cash without a little more information.
I don’t blame you for being skeptical. I would be myself, were it not for the fact that I know the system works, because it worked for me!
Because of the outmoded computer I used at home for years, I can now play flute, recorder, harmonica and a little accordion. Granted, I have never actually performed at Carnegie Hall, but I figure it’s only a matter of time.
For years, I kept a small musical instrument sitting on my desk. Every time I would begin an “operation” on my computer (changing the contrast of a digital photo, say), I would grab the flute (harmonica, recorder, whatever) and practice until the operation was finished. In the Long, Long Ago (maybe eight years), these “mini-rehearsals” could last as long as five minutes.
If you repeat this process 40 or 50 times a day for months on end, eventually you become an accomplished musician. And you do so on time that would otherwise be completely wasted!
Problem is, today’s computers are too fast! Even my lamest netbook has enough processing power to burn through any task I throw at it in an eye blink. My iPad, my laptop — even my smart phone — allow for instant everything!
When am I supposed to practice my music?
So I’m offering this one-time, early-adopter deal on my new music learning system: Just send me $649.99, care of this newspaper, and I will send you (1) old Windows machine gleaned from the refuse bin at Goodwill, (3,214) digital photos that are too dark and need to be lightened up in Photoshop, and (1) plastic recorder from the dollar store.
By the time you have all those photos looking good, you’ll be ready for your debut performance.
And I will be $649.99 richer. It’s a win-win, mostly for me.
As always, this offer comes with the Mike Taylor No Money Back Guarantee if you’re not completely satisfied! Order before midnight!
mtaylor@staffordgroup.com
(616) 548-8273
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