How many wives does it take to properly shape a man?

I read an article a while back about Bafut, which is in Cameroon. Cameroon is located, um, somewhere on planet Earth, I believe. Though, having been educated by nuns, I can’t say for sure. Fortunately, geography isn’t the issue here.

Wives are. The king of Bafut, whose name is Abumbi II, has nearly 100 wives. I’ve had close to that many myself, though not all at once. In this hemisphere, we do things sequentially; in Bafut, wives accumulate like rubber bands in a junk drawer.

According to the article, the role of the king’s wives is to “shape him in his kingly role.” This sounds very stately and dignified, until you examine what is really being said here.

It’s been my experience that when a woman says she wants to “shape you,” what she really means is she wants to “change you,” generally, into a man closer to the one she had in mind when she began making her long-term life plan, back in fourth grade.

That’s not the worst of it, though; the worst of it is that a wife’s version of that “perfect man” is ever changing. As soon as she’s got you molded into a suave, sophisticated man about town she decides she’d rather have a rough and ready cowboy or a steely-eyed astronaut.

If you’ve ever seen a woman try on 16 different outfits before leaving for work in the morning, you’re familiar with the syndrome.

Now, this is fine for a lot of guys. I have friends who change personalities more often than I change socks, depending on who they’re dating and how dirty my socks are. One day they’re sporting a nose stud and listening to death metal, the next they’re dressed in a canary-yellow cardigan sweater and have Barry Manilow seeping from their ear buds.

Personally, I can’t do it. Like Popeye, I yam what I yam and that’s all what I yam. Which may help explain why I’ve had nearly as many wives as the king of Bafut. 

I like strong, intelligent women, but at some point they always figure out I’m just too dumb to train. Or obstinate. Or misogynistic. Or narcissistic. (These are all observations made by former wives, by the way.)

So my hat’s off to you, Abumbi II. If it takes 100 wives to “shape you” into your kingly role, you’re my kinda guy. 

Or, you were. Before you got shaped.

mtaylor@staffordgroup.com

(616) 548-8273