My fondest dream is about to come true

I’ve been waiting for this since third grade.

We’re going to war with Japan. Well, we’re not, our robot is. Our giant, 15-feet tall, six-ton robot, “US MegaBot,” and yes, it’s going to be every bit as cool as it sounds.

MegaBot won’t be going after Japanese people, so everybody in Tokyo can relax (at least until Godzilla puts in his next appearance).

MegaBot will be battling Kuratas Bot, the Japanese robot built by Suidobashi Heavy Industry’s CEO Kogoro Kurata. Kuratas weighs in at 9,000 pounds and in keeping with cultural stereotypes, is a little shorter than the American bot.

I’ve seen pictures of both these robots online and lemme tell ya, they’re both 100-percent, pure end-of-the-world-Skynet-is-dropping-the-big-ones apocalypse fuel. They are scary-looking.

In fairness to our friends from the East, Kuratas looks a little cooler. It’s all C-3PO shiny chrome and steel and would look at home on the floor of a Mercedes dealership.

US MegaBot, on the other hand, is one big, ugly, rusting hulk that looks as if it’s already seen years of hard service in downtown Detroit busting up crack houses. The only thing lacking is some spray-painted gang tags.

The American model — again, in keeping with cultural stereotypes — is packin’ big time, though so far the only thing it has shot from its guns is paintballs. Those paintball cannons could easily be swapped out for the real thing, however, so it’s wise to avoid ticking MegaBot off.

The Japanese model is more about hand-to-hand combat. Though designed to fight “melee” style, I’m very hopeful it will know all the moves Miyagi taught Daniel LaRusso in “The Karate Kid.” Especially the Crane Position.

I would pay big bucks to watch a giant robot get into the Crane Position while an angry white guy on the sidelines shouts at the other bot to “sweep the leg! sweep the leg!”

Kuratas Bot also has guns (BB guns), but the Japanese insist the combat be hand-to-hand. That’s OK by me. In the Schwarzenegger flicks it always comes down to the mano y mano cliffhanger in the final reel anyway. 

Robots don’t have testosterone, but I do, and mine is percolating like an overheated coffee pot at the idea of this upcoming rumble.

Best of all, there are rumors that Kuratas Bot will go on sale after the fight; price, a mere $1.35 million. 

If I can find a second job that pays enough, I have some enemies who, one morning soon, are in for a big surprise.

Real big.

mtaylor@staffordgroup.com

(616) 548-8273