Lori’s not the first woman I’ve loved. There have been a few. In fact, I have a top ten list.
Granted, most of the women on my list have never heard of me. OK, none of the women on my list have heard of me, but I’m in love with them anyway. Lori’s not threatened by this; I’m assuming she has a top ten list of her own, undoubtedly populated with flat-bellied cowboy types with steely blue eyes and muscular backsides.
She’s too classy to go public with her top ten list. I alas, am not; so here we go:
10: Shelly Duvall. That’s right, Olive Oyl from that terrible Popeye movie. She’s odd looking, but in a way that — for reasons I cannot explain — I really, really like. Chance she would return my phone calls? Um, maybe .03 percent.
9: Charlize Theron. She’s almost too beautiful, but I’d be willing to overlook this, assuming she was willing to pay for dinner occasionally. Chance she would return my calls? Is there a number less than zero?
8: Betty Boop. Yup, another cartoon character, which probably reveals more about my personality than I should be comfortable with. I’m not actually in love with Ms. Boop, but rather real life Helen Kane, the 1920s singer upon whom the Boop character was based. Chance the she would return my calls? Zero, since she’s been dead a long time and I don’t believe in ghosts.
7: The lady from the Progressive Insurance commercials. I know I’m not alone in this peculiar obsession. I’ve spoken with at least two other guys — one being my eldest son — who feel the same. Chance she would return my calls? Pretty good, assuming I was looking to add Life and Homeowner’s to my current policy.
6: Morticia, from the 1960s Addam’s Family TV series. I’d happily spend eternity in side-by-side matching caskets with Morticia, even if she didn’t speak French. Return my calls? Probably not, for the same reason as Ms. Boop.
5: Morticia, from the Addam’s Family movie, as played by Anjelica Huston. I’m also in love with Anjelica Huston when she’s playing other roles, but as Morticia? Double whammy! Return my calls? I think I may have a shot here, since she once dated Jack Nicholson and he’s even older and frumpier than me!
4: Charlotte Church, the (former) opera singer. She’s cute, yeah, but it’s her voice I love. I saw her on TV 15 years ago and bawled like a baby when she sang “Ave Maria.” Return my calls? Nope, since I wouldn’t call this one in the first place. Too young. But that voice…
3: The mom from “A Christmas Story.” Bad perm and all, I’m crazy about this woman! Return my calls? Probably not. Not after that bad perm comment.
2: Aretha Franklin. I fell in love with Aretha the first time I heard her sing “Chain of Fools.” I was 12 years old and my love hasn’t diminished in the ensuing decades. Return my calls? No. I’m not worthy.
1: Kathy Bates. Most amazing actress ever and I would work for free as her pool boy just to hang around her. Return my calls? Ha! Only if I added too much chlorine.
That’s my top ten list. I’d be interested to hear yours. Email them to me at mtaylor@staffordgroup.com. If I get some good ones, I’ll feature them in a future column.
mtaylor@staffordgroup.com
(616) 548-8273
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