There’s no fracking way I like covering hard news

Several years ago I wrote a series of serious articles on fracking. 

I didn’t want to, but when your editor tells you to write about fracking you write about fracking. So I did, even though I hated every minute of it. 

Why?

Well, for the same reason I hate writing about religion, politics, women’s reproductive rights and Donald Trump’s haircut; no matter what you say, somebody’s going to wind up hating your guts.

If I enjoyed having my guts hated I’d still be married to one of my previous wives.

But I don’t. I like people to like me, or at least pretend to.

So in an effort to cut down on the post-article gut-hating, I researched the heck outta the topic. I spoke with oil company execs, interviewed protestors, called out-of-state landowners who had leased property to energy companies; I pored over every fracking article I could find online.

It didn’t take me long to figure out writing a “balanced” piece was not going to be easy. Because everyone involved, on both sides of the fence, was a Big Fat Liar. Every one of ‘em.

The anti-fracking folks blamed the process — which is used to extract petroleum products from deep in the earth — for everything from earthquakes (maybe) to pollution (almost certainly) to three-headed deer (probably not).

The energy execs claimed fracking was 100 percent safe (not), made roses smell sweeter than ever (not), and was good for the economy (probably, at least for the part of the economy that owns a second summer home in Barbados).

There might have been a “truth” there somewhere, a “real” story, but I never got close to it. All I did was report what both sides were saying, what the research (much of it funded by energy companies and unsurprisingly slanted in favor of their agenda) said, and what residents living near fracking sites thought of it all.

In the end, the series was fair and balanced and presented both sides of the issue.

Which is my way of saying EVERYONE wound up hating me. In this business, that’s how you know you’ve written a balanced piece; nobody’s happy.

The eco-folks sent emails and letters accusing me of selling out and falling for the company line. The energy folks rattled their sabers and hinted at possible legal action. 

In the end, everybody got over it, forgot all about me and moved on to the next thing they were outraged over, whatever that might have been.

I think I won some sort of award for the series, but it’s been a while and can’t say for sure.

Next time I get stuck writing a big, national story like that, I think I’ll just see if anyone wants to offer me a little bribe, and then sculpt the story in their favor. I’m as corruptible as any of those big oil scientists who regularly release reports saying global warming is a sham. In short: I can be bought. Or at least rented.

And if the story is heavily-slanted enough, only half as many folks will wind up hating me.