What makes folks think critters even want to be human?

I can’t stand it. I just can’t. Must … vent.

But first, a bit of history. I’ve always been an animal person; I’ve owned dogs, cats, guinea pigs, hamsters, tropical fish, ferrets, hermit crabs, parrots, parakeets, doves, lizards, snakes and even once kept a pet cricket in a cage on the hearth, until it died.

I’m a conscientious pet owner and take good care of the fauna to whose upkeep I have been entrusted. But I never forget one important fact: they are animals.

That’s a fact manufacturers of most pet products would just as soon you forget. Why? In a word: money.

Dog #1, who is “just a dog” needs a) his shots, b) a big bag of dog food. 

Dog #2, who is “a beloved member of the family” needs a) his shots, b) several cans of expensive “gourmet” food in a variety of flavors designed to appeal to your canine’s enlightened palate, c) a cozy bed next to the fireplace (if you don’t have a fireplace, for heaven’s sake have one installed immediately!), d) more toys than Elvis’ kid, e) a collar, custom crafted from organic hemp by Uruguayan artisans, f) frequent sessions with a dog psychologist (there really is such a thing) to figure out why he’s peeing on the carpet, and g) non-fattening treats made from select cuts of beef considered too expensive for inclusion in diplomatic dinners at the White House.

Now, provided there’s frequent scratching behind the ears and the occasional “What a good dog!” comment, both of these mutts are equally happy. And they’ll both — if given half a chance — gleefully dine from the cat’s litter box.

Because they’re dogs, folks!

I’m engaged to a lunatic, so I currently live with five cats. All are healthy, shiny-furred and about as happy as cats get (which isn’t all that happy except for those moments when they’re engaged in the dismemberment of some hapless field mouse).

Lori (the aforementioned lunatic and confessed “crazy cat lady”) buys them toys and gourmet food galore. She buys them fancy cat collars, which they promptly slip out of and lose in the woods. 

All I buy for them is catnip, because nothing’s funnier than a stoned cat.

Though they’re treated like spoiled children, the cats prefer to be, well, cats. Their favorite food, despite Lori’s careful selection of canned food that looks better than most of the stuff I eat, is still raw rodent entrails. They love ‘em!

Because they’re cats!

Sigh.

So what preceded today’s rant? I’ll tell ya.

Gluten free dog food. I saw it today at the grocery. They also offered vegetarian pet food. And low sodium. And reduced fat. And lactose intolerant. 

I wish I were kidding. 

I swear, the world’s going to the dogs, one Fancy Feast at a time.