My new crackpot religion will bring an end to winter

I’m an atheist. There. I said it and I’m glad. 

Oh, I’m not your garden variety atheist. My atheism is very specific: I don’t believe in snow. I’m a Snow Atheist.

The principals of Snow Atheism are simple, as are its rites and practices, at least for the time being. Eventually, I hope to add a few colorful ceremonies like sacrificing virgins, cutting the heads off chickens by the light of a full moon, wearing hats made from tinfoil — that sort of thing. But for now, it’s all about NOT believing in snow.

I know that sounds a little crazy, but so did a lot of religions when they were still theologically wet behind the ears. 

The cornerstone of Snow Atheism is simple enough and one deeply rooted in western theological ideology: if you believe something strongly enough, eventually, it happens. Religious texts are filled with examples of this.

I keep referring to Snow Atheism as a religion, but it’s not, not really. I mean, let’s be real, it does contain the word “atheism,” right? In actuality, it’s more of a belief system, a philosophy (one I’m inventing as I go along, so don’t expect too much). 

It doesn’t infringe on other religions (at least not until I start adding the human sacrifices and tinfoil hats, at which point I’m sure clergy from more conventional churches will begin to take a dim view of it all).

But for now, it’s perfectly cool to be a Catholic Snow Atheist (like me) or a Jewish SA, or Protestant SA or whatever. All it takes is a willingness to not believe in snow.

I’ve been a Snow Atheist for years. I’ll admit that, so far, my beliefs — fervent as they are — have had very little affect on Michigan’s winter weather. 

That’s why I’m so anxious to expand my church membership; I’ve come to realize I can’t do this myself. As they say, there’s strength in numbers.

The problem is, too many of you folks still believe in snow. I blame this on TV meteorologists, who just loooooove to talk about it. When Snow Atheism finally becomes an established religion (with tax exempt status, I’m hoping), TV meteorologists will be among the first human sacrifices (yes, even Craig James, who seems like a nice enough fella).

Though I would dearly love to charge dues for church membership, I’m so desperate for congregants that I won’t, at least not at first.

So I urge you, join the Snow Atheists today! All you need do is step outside, shake your fist at the pendulous, gray canopy of clouds, and shout, “I don’t believe in you, snow! I DON’T! So there!”

I figure if we all do this, the universe will be powerless to do other than raise the temperature by 40 degrees, bring on the sun, and melt away whatever the heck that white stuff is clogging up my driveway.

I don’t know what it is. I just know what it’s not! 

It’s not snow.

Believe, brothers and sisters! Believe!