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| REDRUM, REDRUM!! |
I like my wife just fine, but I’ve been
sleeping with one eye open lately. It’s not that I expect The Lovely Mrs. Taylor to kill me in my sleep, but I’d be a
fool not to admit it’s a possibility.
No, we haven’t been fighting much lately
and as far as I know, neither of us is embroiled in a tawdry extra-marital
affair or million-dollar life insurance scam. In fact, were it not for the
catalog that arrived the other day, I’d say we were for the most part happily
married.
The catalog came addressed to Mrs.
Taylor. This seemed suspicious to me, since it was filled with items I can
imagine no woman wanting, ever. Unless,
that is, that woman was planning to take out her husband and was determined to
do it right the first time.
I’m not an expert on murder, having
never committed one myself, but if murder were something that interested me,
I’d want a copy of this catalog. The entire thing is basically a “how-to” on
the topic.
Oh, sure, every item within its pages is
touted as a “self-defense” tool, but I’m pretty sure that’s meant to be taken
with a nudge-nudge-wink-wink. Everything, and I mean Every Single Thing in this
catalog was designed to dole out death.
So yeah, I’m nervous.
It starts on the cover, where three
ridiculously-engraved knives are featured prominently. Dragons and angry
Vikings – which as far as I know never co-existed – adorn the handles. In fact,
I’m reasonably sure dragons never existed at all outside Disney movies and the
novels of Anne McCaffrey. All three knives (they’re a set) may be purchased for
under twenty bucks. The perfect choice if you need to kill someone but want
some money left over to pay for your legal defense.
As lethal looking as the knives appear
to be, they’re kiddy stuff compared to the arsenal found on the inside pages.
There, you can find switchblade knives (which I thought were illegal but maybe
not), webbed belts designed to hold 25 shotgun shells (in case you miss that
doe with the first 24), axes perfectly balanced for throwing (this is a real
thing!) and for guys my age, heavily weighted walking sticks capable of
doubling as a Louisville Slugger during your next rumble with the Crips or
Bloods.
I can’t picture Mrs. T trying to take me
out with a walking stick, though, even a heavily weighted one. I’ve got about
100 pounds on her, and she’d have to make those first couple whacks really
count. No, she’s more likely to go with the Spiked Battle Club found on page 6.
It is exactly what it sounds like; a big club festooned with spikes along the
business end of the thing. I doubt my Ninja skills would get me to safely if
Mrs. T were to start swinging one of these in my direction.
The stun gun/flashlight on page 8 isn’t supposed to be lethal, but if Mrs. T
were to toss it in the tub while I was bathing? I’m sure it would look to the
coroner as if I’d just fallen asleep and quietly drowned. No muss, no fuss, and
Mrs. T gets to collect my life insurance policy without answering a bunch of
pesky questions about whodunnit.
Were I to try hiding under the bed
during Mrs. Taylor’s murderous rampage, she could simply smoke me out using the
Pull-Pin Smoke Grenade found on page 17. This is, again, a real thing and you
can buy three of ‘em for only twelve bucks!
But since Mrs. T won’t even let me smoke
my pipe indoors, I’m guessing I’m safe from the smoke grenade thing; she
wouldn’t want the smell lingering in the sofa cushions.
No, she’d be more likely to go with one of the
many crossbows featured throughout the catalog. My height and weight advantage
would be mostly negated if she whipped out one of these bad boys. Guys in
action movies always seem able to grab speeding arrows out of the air, but I’m
guessing I couldn’t.
Then there are the weighted gloves, to
aid in hand-to-hand combat, swords of every size and description, hatchets,
“chain whips,” and a large variety of bludgeoning utensils.
Mrs. Taylor claims she doesn’t know why she received the catalog. She’s
probably telling the truth. But just to be on the safe side, I think from now
on I’ll use a coaster when I sit my drink on the coffee table.
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