If I wind up dead, consider my wife Suspect Number One

REDRUM, REDRUM!!

I like my wife just fine, but I’ve been sleeping with one eye open lately. It’s not that I expect The Lovely Mrs. Taylor to kill me in my sleep, but I’d be a fool not to admit it’s a possibility.

No, we haven’t been fighting much lately and as far as I know, neither of us is embroiled in a tawdry extra-marital affair or million-dollar life insurance scam. In fact, were it not for the catalog that arrived the other day, I’d say we were for the most part happily married.

The catalog came addressed to Mrs. Taylor. This seemed suspicious to me, since it was filled with items I can imagine no woman wanting, ever. Unless, that is, that woman was planning to take out her husband and was determined to do it right the first time.

I’m not an expert on murder, having never committed one myself, but if murder were something that interested me, I’d want a copy of this catalog. The entire thing is basically a “how-to” on the topic.

Oh, sure, every item within its pages is touted as a “self-defense” tool, but I’m pretty sure that’s meant to be taken with a nudge-nudge-wink-wink. Everything, and I mean Every Single Thing in this catalog was designed to dole out death.

So yeah, I’m nervous.

It starts on the cover, where three ridiculously-engraved knives are featured prominently. Dragons and angry Vikings – which as far as I know never co-existed – adorn the handles. In fact, I’m reasonably sure dragons never existed at all outside Disney movies and the novels of Anne McCaffrey. All three knives (they’re a set) may be purchased for under twenty bucks. The perfect choice if you need to kill someone but want some money left over to pay for your legal defense.

As lethal looking as the knives appear to be, they’re kiddy stuff compared to the arsenal found on the inside pages. There, you can find switchblade knives (which I thought were illegal but maybe not), webbed belts designed to hold 25 shotgun shells (in case you miss that doe with the first 24), axes perfectly balanced for throwing (this is a real thing!) and for guys my age, heavily weighted walking sticks capable of doubling as a Louisville Slugger during your next rumble with the Crips or Bloods.

I can’t picture Mrs. T trying to take me out with a walking stick, though, even a heavily weighted one. I’ve got about 100 pounds on her, and she’d have to make those first couple whacks really count. No, she’s more likely to go with the Spiked Battle Club found on page 6. It is exactly what it sounds like; a big club festooned with spikes along the business end of the thing. I doubt my Ninja skills would get me to safely if Mrs. T were to start swinging one of these in my direction.

The stun gun/flashlight on page 8 isn’t supposed to be lethal, but if Mrs. T were to toss it in the tub while I was bathing? I’m sure it would look to the coroner as if I’d just fallen asleep and quietly drowned. No muss, no fuss, and Mrs. T gets to collect my life insurance policy without answering a bunch of pesky questions about whodunnit.

Were I to try hiding under the bed during Mrs. Taylor’s murderous rampage, she could simply smoke me out using the Pull-Pin Smoke Grenade found on page 17. This is, again, a real thing and you can buy three of ‘em for only twelve bucks!

But since Mrs. T won’t even let me smoke my pipe indoors, I’m guessing I’m safe from the smoke grenade thing; she wouldn’t want the smell lingering in the sofa cushions.

 No, she’d be more likely to go with one of the many crossbows featured throughout the catalog. My height and weight advantage would be mostly negated if she whipped out one of these bad boys. Guys in action movies always seem able to grab speeding arrows out of the air, but I’m guessing I couldn’t.

Then there are the weighted gloves, to aid in hand-to-hand combat, swords of every size and description, hatchets, “chain whips,” and a large variety of bludgeoning utensils.

Mrs. Taylor claims she doesn’t know why she received the catalog. She’s probably telling the truth. But just to be on the safe side, I think from now on I’ll use a coaster when I sit my drink on the coffee table.

MTaylor325@gmail.com

MTRealityCheck.Blogspot.com

(616) 745-9530

When it comes to domestic disputes, 1-million volts can be a life-saver

Should I suddenly turn up missing, I’m hoping the police will consider my wife the prime suspect. Mrs.Taylor (formerly Lori Frankforter) hasn’t actually made any threats against my life. But I’m worried just the same. Because of a catalog that arrived in yesterday’s mail.

It’s from a company I’ve never heard of, because I’ve never been a Navy Seal wannabe. The catalog is filled with stuff – mostly knives of one sort or another – designed to kill someone quickly and quietly.

The remainder of the proffered merchandise includes military-style shovels (to help hide the body, I’m guessing), battery powered short wave radios (to determine when the heat is off and it’s safe to leave your Unabomber cabin in the woods, throwing stars (in case you’re attacked by ninjas) and Coleman lanterns (to light your workspace while making plans to overthrow the government).

There’s also a large assortment of rapiers, cutlasses, sabers, foils, bokkens, hook swords and various other lethal-looking, but cheaply-made blades that look good over the fireplace but are only going to get you shot if you ever try to use one to avoid being mugged.

The catalog even offers “elven blades,” similar to those used in “The Lord of the Rings” movies. I assume these are sold mostly to folks worried about the influx of trolls and orcs sure to swarm over our borders if we don’t get that wall built between here and the Land of Make Believe.

Mrs. T (fLF) has assured me repeatedly she does not intend to murder me, even if I leave my shoes in the middle of the living room floor again. But I’m guessing she said the same thing to her ex-husbands. I’ve never met them. They don’t call, they don’t write. In fact, nobody mentions them at all.

I’m not saying those bumpy spots in the back yard are of anything other than natural origin, but at this point I can hardly be blamed for wondering.

At any rate, I haven’t lived this long by taking a laissez-faire approach when it comes to my own self-preservation. I’m proactive, baby! For better or worse, I value my wide butt and will do whatever it takes to continue my mostly pointless existence.

This includes self-defense, if necessary.

Fortunately, I have a catalog for that. Mrs. T (fLF) isn’t the only one who can arm herself to the teeth one credit card order at a time.

I think my best bet lies in the “1-Million-Volt Stun Gun Cane.” Regular readers of this column (Hi, Dave!) already know I broke my leg about a year ago and the doctor botched the surgery; since then, I walk with a cane.

I was down on the whole cane idea at first. I mean, I’m relatively young (compared to some giant sea turtles). I wasn’t keen on being spotted around town hobbling over a walking stick like some minor character from a Dicken’s novel. However, Mrs. T (fLF) assured me I could “own it” and make the cane seem cool.

She was lying, of course, but for all the right reasons. Point is, I got used to using a cane. I quickly realized that – rather than making me feel frail and old – holding a hefty piece of wood in my hand (no puns, please!) gave me a feeling of invincibility. I have no doubt I could get a lot of self-defense mileage out of even a regular cane if it came down to it.

But armed with the “1-Million-Volt Stun Gun Cane” offered in the catalog? Well, hell, my enemies would be dropping like flies! And probably a few friends, too. The temptation would just be too great.

At $92.99, the “1-Million-Volt Stun Gun Cane” costs double what I’ve paid for any of my other canes (I already have a collection: tres chic). I’m getting it anyway.

Oh, Mrs. T (fLF) is probably telling the truth when she says she won’t kill me if I leave my shoes in the living room. Then again, I’ve seen the look in her eyes. And there’s that catalog. And the lumps in the yard.

What can I say? Better safe than sorry.

mtaylor325@gmail.com

(616) 730-1414